You Rang, M’Lord: The Missing Seven Minutes

8.00 – 9.00pm
You Rang, M’Lord?
By JIMMY PERRY, DAVID CROFT.
Starring Paul Shane as Alf
Jeffrey Holland as Jim
Su Pollard as Ivy
featuring Donald Hewlett as Lord George Meldrum
Michael Knowles as the Honourable Teddy
Bill Pertwee as PC Wilson
Brenda Cowling as Mrs Lipton.
A new hour-long comedy performed in front of an audience, in which Lord Meldrum takes on a new butler who in turn engages his daughter as a parlour-maid.

Radio Times, BBC1, Thursday 29th December 1988

What do Hi-de-Hi!, ‘Allo ‘Allo!, and You Rang, M’Lord? have in common?

Yes, they were all sitcoms produced and co-written by David Croft, and yes, they all have a penchant for punctuation marks in the title. Moving closer to the point, they all had proper pilot episodes that were shot separately from the rest of their first series. And they are all truly excellent pilots.

What’s more, all these pilots were also transmitted before their first series proper arrived. Hi-de-Hi!‘s pilot was broadcast in January 1980; the series arrived in February 1981. ‘Allo ‘Allo‘s pilot was shown in December 1982; the series didn’t arrive until September 1984. And the pilot for You Rang, M’Lord? was shown in December 1988, but the series didn’t arrive until January 1990.

You Rang, M’Lord? trail (for December 1988)

Today, you can easily see two of these pilots essentially as audiences saw them the first time round; the DVD releases for Hi-de-Hi! and ‘Allo ‘Allo contain the shows as they were initially broadcast.¹ You Rang, M’Lord? is very much a different story. And it’s a story which has – with the odd honourable exception – gone virtually undocumented.

The clue is in the Radio Times listing above. One of the most notable things about You Rang, M’Lord? is the fact the show had a 50 minute duration, which allowed for – as David Croft put it – “a good opportunity to develop characters and scenes more thoroughly”² And indeed, if you pop in the DVD, that pilot episode lasts for 49’07”.

In which case, why does that 1988 Radio Times capsule promise an “hour-long comedy”?

The answer: because when that pilot was first shown on the 29th December 1988, it wasn’t 49’07. It was 55’58”. But when the programme was repeated on the 7th January 1990 – the week before Series 1 of the show started properly – it magically fitted a 50 minute slot. What gives?

You Rang, M’Lord? trail (for January 1990)

The obvious explanation is that the show was edited down between its initial showing and its repeat. But what’s unusual for a Croft comedy is that this longer edit never had another outing. The show has – as far as I can tell – never been repeated or commercially released in its original longer version. Meaning that the way the British public first experienced You Rang, M’Lord? has been all but lost to history.³

I don’t like things being lost to history. For the first time, then, here is exactly what was edited out of the 1988 pilot of You Rang, M’Lord? for all subsequent repeats and DVD releases. A piece of David Croft that never usually sees the light of day. Many thanks to Elaine Musselwhite who dug out her copy of this very rarely seen part of Croft’s oeuvre, without which this piece would have been impossible to write.

All times included are for the 50 minute version released on DVD, so you can play along at home.

(00:00) Opening Titles

When writing these pieces, you hope for a nice, clean, obvious story. Sometimes, I get it. Usually, I don’t. This is one of those times when I don’t. However, we do get an object lesson in how easy it is to assume something “obvious” about the production of a series, which turns out to be false.

First, let’s take a look at those great opening titles to the show, as seen in the 50-minute version of the pilot on DVD:

Now let’s take a look at the opening titles, from Episode 2 on the DVD:

The only difference between the two: little sound effects have been added to each vignette; the aeroplane propellor, the cough, the glugging of the drink, etc. The very obvious conclusion, then: the sounds were added between the making of the pilot and the first episode proper, correct?

Wrong. Because here’s those opening titles from the pilot again, this time as per that initial 1988 broadcast⁴:

So, those sound effects were present for the initial 1988 broadcast of the pilot, missing from the 1990 showing of the pilot, but then back again for Episode 2? What the hell happened?

I have no idea. There’s all kinds of speculation I could indulge in – was there debate at some point to include those sound effects or not? – but I just have no clue. A few of the sounds also seem quieter from Episode 2 than on the 1988 pilot, though that could just be a feature of the different recordings. But at least we can squash the idea that those effects were added after the pilot. They were there from the very beginning.

They just went AWOL briefly.

(0:49) The Cinema

Onto the real meat of this article. The single biggest change between the two versions of the pilot happens right at the beginning of the episode. And it really is truly fascinating.

The episode we know and love starts with the most impressive location scene David Croft ever shot; a World War I battlefield, with Alf and James running across a huge, scarred landscape. It is, by any account, a hugely impressive opening to your sitcom, with the stakes – and explosions – sky high.

But that’s not how the show originally started in 1988. Instead, we visit a gloomy cinema.⁵

The very first characters we see aren’t Alf and James. Instead, we meet a cinema projectionist, followed by a live pianist playing “Pack Up Your Troubles”. The cinema is showing real Pathé newsreel footage from 1915… of war. The intertitles claim the Allies are on their way to victory. We then go to black and white footage of our battle – including a couple of extra shots we don’t get in the revised version – and finally join Alf and James as per usual.

It’s moody, interesting… and wrong, I think. The battle is such a perfect introduction, throwing you right into the thick of the action, and I don’t just mean the battle itself. We immediately meet not only our two leads, but see the foundation of a dilemma which threads through the whole first series of the show and beyond. This sequence, interesting though it is, seems to go out of its way to distance us.

(2:09) The Battle

Some dialogue cut from the 1990 repeat, as Alf and James discover what they think is Teddy’s corpse:

JAMES: Is he dead, Alf?
ALF: He looks it.
JAMES: Well listen to his heart.
ALF: You listen.
JAMES: Oh come on Alf, you know you’re better at that sort of thing than I am.

Alf listens to Teddy’s chest.

JAMES: Is it going?

We then get a far longer shot of Alf and James carrying Teddy back – a full 23″, compared to 7″ in the revised edit. And just in case you had now got into the story and forgotten about the cinema sequence, we get a reprise of the battle music originally played over the newsreel, in an attempt to tie the whole thing together:

As far as I know, neither Perry or Croft actually went on the record about these changes, which significantly change the mood of the pilot’s opening; what they thought may have to remain a mystery. For me, the initial version is fascinating, but the re-edit makes for a far stronger show.

(4:24) The Hospital

A few minor trims in the hospital scene. Firstly, a few seconds are shaved off where we actually see Alf get a light for his cigarette before he says “Thanks mate.” Then this piece of dialogue is removed between Alf and James:

JAMES: I’m surprised you’ve got the nerve to show your face, Alf Stokes.
ALF: I saved his life, didn’t I?
JAMES: Yes, only to save your own skin.
ALF: You always were pernickety about details.
JAMES: When you thought he was dead you robbed his body of his watch and his ring!
ALF: Not the whole ring, just the stone.
JAMES: Now you’re being pernickety about details.
NURSE: The captain will see you now.

Then, after they’ve met Teddy, lying recovering in bed:

ALF: Didn’t you see that great big gold signet ring on his right hand? How could I have missed it?
JAMES: You disgust me. When we get back to Blighty, I never want to see you again.
ALF: There’s gratitude for you. If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t be here. You’d be dead.
JAMES: And better so than to live with the shame of cowardice and villainy.
ALF: Does that mean when I flog the stone, you don’t want your half share?

A lot of this dialogue does feel extraneous; we’ve literally just seen everything which has been described. I guess they really wanted us to get this bit of plot firmly in our heads; they were intending it to have repercussions far beyond this episode.

(7:21) Teddy’s Bedroom

Finally we reach 1927, when the bulk of the series is set. As James brings Teddy his morning tea, there’s a short dialogue trim:

TEDDY: Oh, any news of Chesterton?
JAMES: He passed away during the night, sir.
TEDDY: Oh dear. He was a damn fine butler.
JAMES: He was indeed, sir.
TEDDY: It’s most inconvenient. He was the only person in the house who could tie the knot in my bowtie properly. We must find someone to replace him quickly.

This early indication of how much the Meldrum family really cares about the servants is a bit of a shame to lose, but the ground is covered elsewhere in the episode.

(9:25) The Theatre

One of my favourite scenes of the episode, as Alf and Ivy perform the most low-rent variety act in the world. And yet for the repeat version, the sequence was trimmed from 2’41” to 1’32” – nearly halved in length.

Unlike most of the rest of the episode, the re-edit here is rather intricate. So I thought a split screen comparing the two versions would be in order.

I love this scene so much that I’m grateful to have an extended version; I particularly love Alf yelling “Nobody sleeps while I’m on!”. But I can’t in all honesty say that the trims hurt the show; it seems to be an object lesson in how to severely cut the length of a scene, while keeping everything which makes it great.

Like people who wanted to see a whole episode of Alan Partridge doing Skirmish, I would have been quite happy with a whole episode of Alf and Ivy humiliating themselves on stage, though.

(10:58) The Dressing Room

A chunk of dialogue trimmed from the dressing room scene directly afterwards:

Ivy and Alf walk into the dressing room. Ivy sighs.

ALF: What’s the matter with you? You flinched.
IVY: I did not flinch!
ALF: You flinched three times. What sort of confidence do you think the audience are going to have in me if you flinch?
IVY: And can you blame me? I keep getting ‘it! Last week in Barrow-in-Furness, first house Wednesday: twice. Second house Thursday: twice. And three times on Friday. I’m black and blue, Dad. I am not having that balloon on my bum any more.
ALF: Alright. We’ll go back to the knives.

This is a brilliantly executed cut; having just seen Ivy with the balloon on her bum, the fact that the trimmed version of the scene starts with her complaining about it makes the edit feel completely natural and invisible.

Another chunk of dialogue is cut shortly afterwards:

IVY: Well, Mum said you were good at it, and you’d still be doing it if it weren’t for them silver fish knives.
ALF: They never used them. They were vegetarians!
IVY: You shouldn’t have stolen them, Dad.
ALF: I did not steal them. I pawned them because I was temporarily embarrassed. Well, I returned ’em!
IVY: Yes. And you had to pawn grandma’s bedding to get ’em back! And the bed! Poor old thing had to sleep on the floor. Mum said that’s what carried ‘er off.
ALF: No, I’m sticking to the boards. This is the life.

There’s a knock on the door.

ALF: Hello Mr Challon, want a drink?

This cut is perhaps a bit of a shame; it foreshadows Alf’s unpleasant dealings with the pawn shop later on in the series.

(18:14) Servant Girl

A short trim to the scene where Lord Meldrum interviews the latest victim of Teddy:

MAID: I’m ruined. Disgraced. How can I face my Dad now? A fallen woman. And he pulled me down.

Teddy looks mildly apologetic.

MAGGIE: He took advantage of a poor, innocent servant girl.
LORD MELDRUM: Yes, yes, well, we’ve been into all that.
MAGGIE: What am I going to do about the baby? He took advantage of me. And him being an honourable as well.

Clearly, they were trying to get rid of every last second possible with this edit.

(22:55) Ivy/Wilson

The second chunk of the location scene outside the house where Ivy meets Constable Wilson is removed:

CONSTABLE WILSON: Can I help you, little girl?
IVY: I’ve got to go to Number 12.
CONSTABLE WILSON: That’s Lord Meldrum’s residence. The tradesman’s entrance is this way.
IVY: Thank you.
CONSTABLE WILSON: Allow me, miss. Are you by any chance the new parlour maid?
IVY: That’s right. I haven’t got the job yet, but I’m hoping.
CONSTABLE WILSON: You’ll be very fortunate if you do. Lord Meldrum’s a fine, upstanding gentlemen. Aristocrat to his fingernails. Mind you, his younger brother Teddy’s a bit of a goer.
IVY: Isn’t he upstanding?
CONSTABLE WILSON: Oh, I wouldn’t know about that. Ah, there we are. Two other girls have just gone in. Well, good luck. And if you get the job, I shall see some more of you. I occasionally pop in for a cup of Mrs. Lipton’s excellent tea, and a slice of her cherry cake. She’s a fine woman.
IVY: Is she upstanding?
CONSTABLE: Outstanding.
IVY: Thank you.

Ivy totters nervously up the steps.

This extra dialogue is pleasant enough, but doesn’t really give us any information we don’t get elsewhere in the episode.

It’s perhaps worth noting at this point that the film sequences in this episode seem to be disproportionately affected in this re-edit compared to the studio scenes.

(30:03) Marching Orders

A short trim to the scene in the kitchen with James, Henry, and Mrs. Lipton:

JAMES: It must be awful for His Lordship to lie abed night after night without the comfort of a good woman beside him.
HENRY: Why, is Lady Agatha a bad woman, then?
MRS. LIPTON: One more word out of you, young Henry, and you’ll receive your marching orders.

Directly after this, a few extra seconds of Ivy walking down the stairs is removed.

(37:02) Major Squiffy Withers

Yet more film material snipped. As people start to arrive at Meldrum’s dinner party, two moments are cut with the Major Squiffy Withers. Firstly, the chauffeur tells him he’s forgotten his roses, and he gets brayed at for a second time; then, James greets him at the door, and we get yet more braying.

Bearing in mind that Squiffy never appears again in the series, is it possible that Perry and Croft had already decided to sideline him? No point building up a character which isn’t going anywhere.

Directly following this, there’s a single establishing shot of the kitchen with Mrs. Lipton and Henry before Ivy walks in, which is removed. This only lasts 3″, so again, indicates that they really were trying to cut down this episode as much as possible without hurting it.

(39:11) Lady Lavender

An extra piece of action at the end of the scene with Ivy and Lady Lavender:

LAVENDER: I don’t like macaroni cheese.

She throws it at Ivy.

LAVENDER: And I don’t like scrambled eggs.

She throws them at Ivy.

LAVENDER: And I don’t like cocoa.

Guess what.

IVY: …what about the bread and butter pudding?
LAVENDER: I don’t like that either!

She throws it at Ivy.

IVY: Will that be all, my lady?
LAVENDER: Thank you, Ethel.

She eats the flower, happily.

I have to say, I think the show missed a trick here. I would have had the bread and butter pudding hit Ivy just as she gets to the end of her sentence asking about it.

One other thing to note here: the shot of Lavender eating the flower only appears in the 1988 version of the scene. But this shot is used for the You Have Been Watching section at the end… in both versions!

Original TX (1988)

Repeat TX (1990)

(39:11) Announcing Dinner

A entire sequence showing the machinery of the house, cut:

It’s understandable why this went – there are no laughs in it – but it’s a nice little moment of just showing how the house worked.

(42:49) Dinner Party

And finally, a short exchange snipped out of the dinner party:

TEDDY: I drove a bus. Well, it was damn dangerous.
IVY: Excuse me, my lady. Would you care for some ping-pong balls?

Alf nudges her.

IVY: I mean brussels sprouts?
AGATHA: Oh, thank you.
IVY: Well, we haven’t got any, because I cut my finger. They’ll be along later.

Alf drags Ivy off.

CISSY: Well I think the government treated the strikers disgracefully.

I rather miss this moment. Ivy isn’t stupid here, just incredibly nervous. Fear makes anybody go a bit loopy.

Still, while I might miss it, it’s hardly essential to the episode, which is how I feel about the re-edit as a whole. There are individual moments I might wish were still there, but it’s impossible to say their removal actually hurts the show. And with the elimination of the unnecessary framing material at the beginning, it really does feel like the revised edit is an overall a better version of the episode. We haven’t actually been putting up with an inferior incarnation of the show for years.

But then, that really isn’t the point. This isn’t about which version is better or worse. It’s simply about trying to experience the show as audiences were first introduced to it back in 1988. For years, that’s exactly what I thought I was doing when I popped in the DVD. To find out otherwise has been a revelation.

In this spirit, then: there is one more difference between the 1988 and the 1990 versions of this pilot. And in some ways, it’s the most confusing and bizarre difference of all. And I still haven’t managed to get to the bottom of exactly what happened.

More next time.

With many thanks to Ade Jacobs for helping source the off-air recording that informed the bulk of this article, Ant who very kindly created the split screen video, and Tanya Jones for proofreading what comes out of my fat fingers.

---

1. The occasional additional caption or so aside. ↩

2. David Croft’s autobiography You Have Been Watching…, p. 231. ↩

3. The only book I’ve found which even gives the broad strokes of this story of the longer edit is Rob Cope & Mike Fury’s Hi-de-Hi! Companion, from 2009. ↩

4. The first few seconds and last few seconds of the recording are missing. ↩

5. According to the production paperwork, this cinema scene was shot on the 15th November 1988 – six weeks before transmission. ↩

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