Yeah, but what pixels (NSFW)

In my early teens, access to hardcore porn was a rarity. There was a Joy of Sex on the top shelf which I used to “borrow”, and Cosmopolitan ensured my life would follow its usual route as a sitcom character. Unfortunately, I did spend time writing a BBC BASIC program which would ask for my name, and then provide random dirty responses to my one-handed tapping. This is quite possibly the saddest thing anybody has ever done ever, and I certainly won’t be digging it out of the box of discs upstairs any time soon.

As for rude BBC Micro/Master programs which weren’t written by me, the closest I got to was the famous hacked version of Frak!. I shall leave it to your good selves to decide whether that’s harmless fun, or just misogynistic unpleasantness.

What I would have given then, for these three files (sent to me by Andy Taylor, originally from TOSEC.) Playable with a Beeb emulator (I use BeebEm), I can now view hardcore sex pictures in glorious 160×256.

I presume you filthy bastards want screengrabs, yes?

Screenshots of dirtybeeb.dsd

The BBC Micro did not do native greyscale – only two colours, four, or eight, at varying resolutions. These images use eight colours, and were intended to be viewed on a monochrome monitor, or colour with the saturation turned down. To simulate this, hover over the pictures.

Screenshots of dirtybeeb2.dsd

Of course, seeing these images shrunk down somewhat reduces their impact; to see them as originally intended, boot up an emulator and view the slideshows full-screen. Sadly, some images on the second and third disc seem to be corrupted. (In a file integrity sense, rather than a moral one.)

The third disc has some delightful images of fisting in it; I’ve left those out. Got to save something for those of you who bother to emulate it yourself, haven’t I?

Screenshots of drtybeeb3.dsd

There are precious few hints as to the original origin of the pictures, or who digitised them, or even what year it’s from. The first set has the title “Growing Yourself” – presumably the title of the original film, although a quick net search draws a blank. The second disc has the remains of a games compilation menu on it; Drain Mania, Contraption and the like, which is presumably what the disc held before it was filled with FILTH – and isn’t much help anyway. Beyond that, nothing. Sad to say, I find this kind of thing historically important; if anyone knows anything about this material, let me know. A testament to mankind’s propensity to twist any new technology into a wanking tool.

Oh, and my first taste of real hardcore porn? Bags of dodgy 5th generation VHSes from a shop which six months later was busted by police. And we watched them in the video store my friend worked at when there was no management around. Ah, memories.

Read more about...

bbc micro, nsfw, pornography