Having a Breakdown

I’m sitting in the control room of one of the most important television channels in the country, and something is about to go very wrong.

The next programme is live, you see. And live programmes take a fair amount of setting up. I need to know what lines the programme is going to come in on, so I can cut to the right source. I need to know which talkback circuit the production uses, so I can talk to them. Then I need to call the PA, and go through all the necessary details: what time they’re on air, what time they’re off air, who is presenting, how the programme starts, how the programme ends, do a clock check… all the usual stuff. This can all take a fair bit of time. For safety, I really should have contact with the production at least 20 minutes before air, and preferably longer than that.

But I’ve forgotten about it. Just too busy chatting to my announcer. And suddenly, it’s three minutes to go on the current programme, and I realise: I have done nothing.

I frantically jab at the talkback panel in front of me, in a desperate attempt to contact an engineer to get the lines. A voice barks out in reply. But for some reason, I can’t understand what they’re saying. The English language is suddenly a mystery to me. I turn to the routing panel next to me. Maybe I can guess the lines, get the talkback up, save the situation. I do a bit more frantic jabbing.

The panel crashes.

The world clouds around me. The countdown on the monitor wall in front of me ticks down, faster and faster. I’m running out of time, I can’t rescue this, I’m going to fall off air, purely because of my own stupidity. How did I lose track of time so badly? My entire life has collapsed.

And then, of course, I wake up.

*   *   *

The above has never, ever actually happened to me. Forgetting to talk to a live production isn’t really the kind of error you can easily make in transmission. But it’s a recurring nightmare of mine. I’ve lost count of the times that I’ve had it.

And it’s not just me. Practically anybody who works in live TV has their own version of this nightmare. Thousands of brains across the country, betraying their owners. As though the job wasn’t stressful enough.

Bastards.