The Thick Red Line, Part Two

Good evening, everybody.

“Comedy equals tragedy plus time.” Of course, these days, it seems that comedy equals tragedy, full stop. Gone are the days when BBC1 regularly broadcast harmless comedy hijinks on a daily basis. These days, it seems to be nothing but swearing, people looking depressed, and unwanted bodily fluids.

But I digress. There’s nothing like a good, classic half hour of sitcom to raise the spirits. But as we shall see, editing down your sitcom to half an hour is like becoming a royal eunuch: more cuts are needed than you would strictly prefer.

Series 2, Episode 4: Alternative Culture

TX: 5th December 1996

“Grim declares war on drugs. Meanwhile, a plumbing crisis at the station means the women have to share the men’s locker room.”

(5:59) A section cut from the gang waiting outside said shared locker room:

FOWLER: The situation is as it is, and we must simply make the best of it. I’ve scheduled a meeting with the regional auditor, but he is notoriously tighter than an Italian tenor’s trouser buttons, so I hold out little hope for extra funds this financial year. [Clearly I cannot take money from our crimefighting activities.
HABIB: Why? We never solve any burglaries. Why don’t we investigate half as many, sir? We’d cut our failure rate by 50%, and afford new toilets into the bargain.
FOWLER: Such cynicism is depressing in one so young, Habib.] Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for my morning movement.

I have to be honest: as Fowler gets to mention his “morning movement” in both versions, I am unfussed by the trimming of Habib’s cynicism.

(7:41) Snipping some more HOT LOCKER ROOM CHAT:

BOYLE: Closing time’s for plebs, not us. The lock-in is a traditional copper’s perk. Like sticking your siren on when you’re late for dinner. [We’re having another lock-in on Friday. How about coming out?
GLADSTONE: You be careful, son. Once when I was starting off as a Constable, I got drinking with some of the silly young coppers when suddenly, in walked our Chief Inspector. I looked at my watch. It was one o’clock. Quick as a flash, I put a pork pie on my head and pretended to be a table.
GOODY: And what did the Inspector do?
GLADSTONE: Ordered a pint. It was one o’clock in the afternoon.
BOYLE: You see, Kev, no problem.] There’s a big illegal late night drink this Friday. Lots of the boys are coming out. You’d better come out too.

Straight after this, a short reaction shot of Goody in the locker room is trimmed, along with the opening shot of the next scene in reception.

(11:56) A few sections from the subsequent Briefing Room scene:

GRIM: Now then, tomorrow night there is going to be a rave at the old gasworks. CID officers lead by Detective Inspector Derek Grim in the person of myself – for that is me – will be in attendance… and also it is where we will be. That is all. [Further information as and if and when, and as and if required.]
FOWLER: Drugs. Drugs. What is wrong with young people today? With their uppers, downers, poppers, toppers, speed, whizz, crack, junk, smack, splosh, zing, bonk, barf, honk, wham, bam? [Oops, I’ve just destroyed the family brain cell.] Can’t they amuse themselves without chemical stimulation? Haven’t they heard of Monopoly?
HABIB: I suppose they’re just not as boring… I mean, as sensible as you were, sir. They’re looking for something more exciting.
FOWLER: Exciting? Have you ever had hotels on Mayfair and Park Lane? You can make a fortune. [A damn sight more exciting than filling your head with chemicals and prancing about drinking Lucozade for eight hours, I can see nothing exciting about that whatsoever.

Fowler thinks for a moment.

FOWLER: Well, that’s not quite true. I do recall as a youngster I could get pretty worked up by the prospect of a glass of Lucozade.] But great plates of wobbly custard, why this need for sensory stimulants? When I was an adolescent, my idea of a major sensory stimulant was sucking on a Fisherman’s Friend.

I’m not sure I can fully get on board with any edit which get rid of Grim’s “Further information as and if and when, and as and if required.”.

(14:26) A short bit of Boyle deleted:

GRIM: I’m gonna clean up this town, Boyle. Drugs are the effluent of society. And I’m the Toilet Duck. I’ll show these bloody kids when Grim of Gasforth puts his backside on the line, they can’t just stick two fingers up.
BOYLE: Eyyyy, [if kids wanna destroy their bodies why don’t they drink ten pints of lager like sensible adults?]
GRIM: What’s wrong with being bored anyway? The rest of us have to sit at home in front of the telly, why shouldn’t they?

The parallel between the drugs raid and the lock-in is probably expressed enough elsewhere in the script, so this isn’t much of a loss.

(18:33) Now, this is something we haven’t seen up until this point. An entire scene, shot on location, present in the extended version, but cut from broadcast, featuring Dawkins’ rebirthing:

I don’t find this scene particularly funny in itself, but this cut does damage the episode a little. As with “Ism Ism Ism”, there’s a parallel explicitly being drawn by Elton in this episode – “Patricia and her quest for the inner woman, children and their drugs” – both forms of “alternative culture”, both people searching for something to give their life meaning. This parallel is still present in the broadcast version, but the removal of this scene does mean the parallel gets lost somewhat during the second half of the episode.

What is also amusing is that Ben Elton’s version of giving your life meaning seems to be “sit at home with a mug of Horlicks and shut the fuck up”. Now that’s the kind of reactionary sitcom moral I can fully get on-board with.

(19:22) A final line snipped from the scene where Habib discovers her sister smokes grass:

HABIB: Nazia! Go and flush that down the toilet right now! You realise it’s actually my duty to arrest you?
NAZIA: Go on then.
HABIB: Or at least tell Mum.
NAZIA: You wouldn’t.
[HABIB: Just get rid of it now.]

(21:58) Back to the station, and… quick! We need to remember the plot!

HABIB: Inspector Fowler, I would like to lodge a formal protest against having to share a locker room with a gruesome fallout from Constable Boyle’s rapidly balding bodily parts.
[FOWLER: This situation really is most intolerable. But unless I can get some extra cash out of the regional auditor, a man who does not recognise the verb “to spend”, then I’m afraid we’re all stuck in the same lavatory until Christmas.]

Sarcasm aside, I do actually think we need reminding of the auditor at this point. Otherwise, the payoff at the end relies on you remembering a mention of him right at the start of the show, which is expecting a little much.

(22:15) And at the start of the next scene:

GRIM: [No fannying about. And above all: no fannying about.] We assemble at 0-11-30-hundred hours, PM, in the evening. That is all, let’s go go go.

Really? For the sake of six seconds, you’ll cut one of the funniest lines in the episode? For shame.

(25:33) And finally for this episode, a few sections trimmed from the drugs raid:

GRIM: [Bang ’em up, Boyle, bang ’em in the hole.] Alright. I want urine from all this lot. Would somebody kindly take the urine?¹ Check their eyeballs, if their pupils are dislocated, nick ’em. Look for the signs of addiction: a distant stare, regular truancy, loss of appetite at mealtimes. Boyle – to me!

Habib goes down the line and sees her sister. Frisking her, she discovers the drugs from earlier.

HABIB: You didn’t get rid of it, did you? I’ll never forgive you for this Nazia…

Habib pockets the drugs.

[GRIM: Alright. Those who have not been arrested are free to continue to gnaw away at the fabric of society. The rest of you – with me. Let’s go, go, go.

Shot of Habib, standing alone.] Outside, she walks down the stairs of the club, where a police dog starts barking intently at her.

The first couple of cuts I can take or leave, but the trimmed shot of Habib standing alone in the club is a particularly effective one, and it’s a shame to lose it in the broadcast edit.

Another thing worth noting is that due to the changes in the second half of the scene, the tense music cue is retimed against the pictures. This means that in the broadcast version, the cue is still present when Habib gets discovered by the dogs outside; in the extended DVD version, the cue has already ended. Neither version is clearly superior, but it does give that part of the scene a markedly different feel.

Series 2, Episode 5: Come On You Blues

TX: 12th December 1996

“When Gasforth Football Club reaches the second round of the FA Cup for the first time since the First World War, Grim looks forward to tackling some major league hooligans.”

(3:00) Some trimmed dialogue from the opening van scene:

HABIB: Gary plays football every Sunday. Now, what do you do after the game, Gary?
BOYLE: Well, let me think. We all get in the bath together.
[HABIB: Right.
FOWLER: Oh, and I suppose you’re suggesting that men bathing together must be by definition a sexual act? What a sad world it has become. Sometimes I despair, I really do.
HABIB: I think we should let him finish, sir.
BOYLE: Well,] we have a bit of a splash, a bit of a singsong. “The Hairs on her Dicky Di Do”, “Tits Out for the Lads”, all the classics. And then after that, there’s a towel fight.
HABIB: You beat each other with wet towels?
BOYLE: Well, you’ve gotta have a flick, haven’t you? Then we all get in the pub, pour a load of beer over each other’s heads, and sing more songs about lovely saucy birds.
HABIB: And are any lovely saucy birds actually present at this point?
BOYLE: Get out of it, it’s a lads thing, innit? Anyway, when we’re well sorted, we probably take our trousers off, hang ’em over a lamppost, and if it’s been a really good night, fall over in a puddle of vom on the way home.

Habib’s “And are any lovely saucy birds actually present at this point?” enquiry is a sad thing to lose.

(4:23) Continuing the van scene, and an unusually intricate edit surrounding an extra line of Gladstone, involving a different take and alternate angle. A video is the best way to demonstrate this one:

(7:04) On the pitch, as Fowler and Habib survey events:

FOWLER: We don’t need some vast Super Bowl with a great big electronic sign that says “Phwooar! Gooooal!” We are quite happy to gather together in small groups on a wet Saturday and be a bit sad. [That’s the spirit that made Britain what it is today.
HABIB: Knackered.
FOWLER: And proud of it.]

I rather like this exchange.

(15:16) The scene with Fowler first meeting the Mayoress in reception is shortened at both ends; the shot of Dawkins closing the hatch at the start is trimmed, along with the end of the scene featuring Fowler grinning inanely.

(16:20) Now, this is an interesting one. The following darkroom scene, placed bang in the middle of the first two Mayoress scenes, is entirely cut in the broadcast version!

This is an excellent example of how a scene which surely seemed important when writing – the Met getting in touch is a Big Deal for Grim – can actually be cut with no real detriment to the story at all. Still, how delightful we get to see it regardless. If I was mature, I’d say that was because of Grim’s delight at being asked to liaise.

But let’s face it, it’s mainly the exposure joke.

(18:26) A short section from the second Mayoress scene²:

MAYORESS: You are aware of our “Relocate in Gasforth” media campaign?
FOWLER: Oh, I am indeed, yes. I’ve seen the posters. “Gasforth: It’s not as bad as you think.”
MAYORESS: [We’re going all out to persuade big companies to set up in our area. Gasforth already makes Taiwanese microcomputers, Japanese virtual reality software, and British clothes pegs. But we can do better.] Britain is poised to become the sweatshop of Europe, and Gasforth cannot afford to be left behind.

(27:23) The main riot briefing room scene is more-or-less identical in both versions, also the broadcast edit trims out Goody suggesting [How about ‘Up Yours Dog Breath’?] as a battle cry at the very end.

(28:36) The start of the reception scene is trimmed, but again, in an extremely unusual way. Let’s take a proper look:

Fowler being EXTREMELY RUDE to Dawkins is removed in the broadcast version, but we can’t just join the action with Habib’s line about there being no grounds for police action; Dawkins is still in shot, and it would have been far too obvious that we’d just missed an exchange with her. Instead, the broadcast version goes to quite interesting lengths to construct a new version of the opening: we get a brand new location shot of the police station with Habib’s “I’m sorry madam” line laid over the top, and then entirely different close-ups of Fowler and Habib before the action eventually syncs back up again.

It’s a small thing, but the care and craft put into this kind of edit – something which hopefully is entirely invisible to the viewer – is worth noting.

(30:10) One last trim from the scene with the investors:

MAYORESS: Gasforth offers cheap labor, long hours, no unions, no minimum wage, no job security, and a maximum five-minute lunch break. That’s a very attractive package for any foreign investor. [Also, included as an incentive is free child labour. Centrally funded via the youth training scheme.]
ASIAN BUSINESSMAN³: Yes, yes. But when does the football begin?

OK, so the Mayoress is essentially Ralph Filthy. Got it.

Series 2, Episode 6: Road Rage

TX: 19th December 1996

“Gasforth’s new bypass causes headaches for Inspector Fowler when his partner Patricia joins the road protestors.”

(2:03) A couple of snips to the opening argument in the kitchen, shortly after Dawkins has sliced Fowler’s newspaper in two:

FOWLER: Oh heavens and Horlicks, Patricia, Gasforth needs a bypass. You won’t stop it by frolicking about in the woods, calling yourself Troll, or Gonk, or Nutkin the sweet little tree-dwelling imp.
DAWKINS: [Well I have to try.] We do not inherit the earth from our parents. We borrow it from our children.
FOWLER: We don’t have any children.
DAWKINS: Yes, I’m aware of that. But the fact that you are a one-bonk-a-year man does not relieve me of my responsibility to preserve the environment for future generations.
[FOWLER: You’ve changed since you became a Donger. I feel I hardly know you… Squirrel. Now if you’ll excuse me, I shall return to my newspaper.]

Fowler picks up his newspaper… now in two separate halves.

(4:06) Back to the station, and a few deleted lines concerning Grim’s little accident:

FOWLER: Perhaps you were in his lane. Perhaps you scraped him.
GRIM: What did you say?
FOWLER: Well, I was ju…
GRIM: I am a superb driver.
[FOWLER: Were you changing lanes?
GRIM: Yes, and I indicated.
FOWLER: Nonetheless, you were changing lanes while approaching a traffic light.
GRIM: I have just told you, I am a superb driver!]
HABIB: Did you get his number?
GRIM: Well how could I? I was retuning the radio when it happened. I’ll tell you, though, if I hadn’t had a cup of coffee in the other hand, I’d have given chase.
BOYLE: [Here’s a thought, sir.] There’s security cameras all over town. Perhaps your dinger’s been caught on video.
GRIM: Well done Boyle! Requisition all tapes countywide! [This insane maniac must be stopped before he can scratch again.]
FOWLER: So, as I was saying: roads and cars are areas where passions run deep.

(9:36) Yet another deleted Gladstone anecdote during Fowler’s training session:

GOODY: Shall I pretend to untie the pretend knot I just pretended to tie?
FOWLER: Just go.
GOODY: I was just trying to make it more real.
[GLADSTONE: Sir, sir. I can tell you how to deal with a chained person.
FOWLER: Well make it quick.] My arms are aching.
GOODY: Idea, sir. Pretend it’s autumn, drop the apple.
[HABIB: Maybe you could be a Virginia creeper, sir. Then you can lean against the wall.
FOWLER: Just get on with it, Gladstone.
GLADSTONE: Yes, yes. You see, as a young constable in London, I was party to a very regrettable incident involving a man with no trousers, chained to the railings of Buckingham Palace.
FOWLER: Good heavens. Was the fellow protesting?
GLADSTONE: I should think I was, sir. I was getting married that morning. Anyway, the police cut me free and I got married… wrapped in a souvenir tea towel.
FOWLER: So what you’re suggesting, is that when we encounter chained protestors, we should call the police?
GLADSTONE: It worked with me.
FOWLER: Oh for] heaven’s sake. We are about to police a serious public disorder.

Rudolph Walker really does seem to get a bum rap with these edits. It’s understandable, of course – a rambling Gladstone anecdote which goes nowhere is an obvious thing to cut for time when you’re trying to preserve the story – but it’s a shame.

(14:06) A final snip at the end of the Briefing Room scene:

FOWLER: Honestly. I’ve done my best for you lot. You began this briefing totally and utterly unprepared, and you complete it… slightly less prepared than that. [Well, the coach leaves for the protest at 11:30. Good luck, try to keep your tempers, comport yourselves with dignity, and above all: try not to arrest Sergeant Dawkins.] Dismissed.

(15:52) A short joke while Goody boasts about his pierced belly button:

GOODY: It will be worth it if you’re so impressed with it that you drag me back to your place and you give me a right flipping seeing to.
HABIB: Kevin. You could staple your bellybutton to a double decker bus, and I still wouldn’t give you a seeing to. [Quite frankly, I’d rather get my leg over a dead halibut.]
GOODY: So you’ll think about it, then?

(17:04) Oh look, Fowler and Grim are at it again.

FOWLER: Look Derek, you’re clearly late for your lobotomy, I’ll come back later.
GRIM: Very funny, Raymond. Très drôle. [And while you’re taking the crumble, society piddles. I mean when you’re taking the piddle, society crumbles.]
FOWLER: Listen. I’ve had a letter from the Chief Constable.

Ha ha, Grim said piddle.

(18:35) A whole location section cut from the broadcast version, with Fowler mistaking another protestor for Dawkins:

This particular snip, along with the trimming of Fowler warning the rest of the police not to arrest Dawkins, does mean he seems a little less sympathetic towards her in the broadcast edit.

(19:18) Oddly enough, the shot of the protestor being chased, and the exchange “All going well, Inspector?” / “I don’t know, I haven’t found her yet”, has music in the broadcast version, but not in the DVD edit. Presumably this is to ease us into the location material a little more smoothly, as the more introductory scene just previous to this had been cut.

(19:27) The start of the shot with Goody finding the singing protestor tied to a tree is snipped. Then:

GOODY: Alright miss, move along now, move along.
PROTESTER: [I’m chained to a tree. And I’ve thrown away the key.] How can I move along, pig?
GOODY: Yes, of course. Hello, Mr. Thickie.

(19:55) Directly following on from this:

[FOWLER: (to Foreman) Now I hope you’ve told your men to be as gentle as possible. Particularly to the women. Particularly to the blonde women. 5’6″, blue eyes, sometimes chew their lower lip, those sort of women.
WORKMAN: Go on, Pete, get her.]
DAWKINS: Unhand this tree, you eco-Nazis!

Again, more material about Fowler’s concern for Dawkins snipped!

(23:19) Oh dear, Dawkins has fallen in with a bad crowd.

STALLION: I have a woodland hideaway. Perfect for a squirrel. You can rest and perhaps nibble on my nuts. [Come with me now. Deep, deeper into the forest, and I will show you my beautiful bender.
FOWLER: Patricia!
DAWKINS: Raymond, he means his secret dwelling made from bows of fallen wood. Don’t you, Stallion?
STALLION Well, I can certainly show you that as well, if you like.]

Stallion grabs Squirrel, and they swing off.

Dirty.

(25:50) The camera tracking in on Stallion and Dawkins about to have sex is snipped out, though no actual dialogue is missing. We also cut quicker to Fowler in his bedroom after Stallion’s “outstanding natural beauty” line.

(27:09) A chunk cut out of the morning after, and then some rather interesting alternate angles and takes used in Stallion’s call to arms. Again, a video is best for this one:

So, here’s the interesting thing about this cut: it leaves the question of whether Dawkins actually slept with Stallion as a mystery for far longer in the broadcast edit. This seems to me to be an extremely good idea – why not have a bit of tension around this area before revealing the truth? For this reason alone, and despite some of the fun lines we lose, I would suggest that the broadcast edit of the episode is the superior version.

(29:04) One more deleted line from this sequence⁴:

FOWLER: You, sir, are under arrest.
STALLION: [Another pig.] Hah!
FOWLER: Now be careful. I’ve been trained.

(29:52) Some snipped dialogue from the closing scene in reception. Again, some interesting alternate angles used here:

(33:23) And finally, the extended DVD version includes an extra credit: for Ben Crompton. He played the protester that Fowler mistakes for Dawkins halfway through the episode; as his scene is entirely cut in the broadcast version, it makes sense that his credit is removed too.

And there we must leave things for now. However, there is one more episode left of the series… and what they end up doing to it for broadcast is quite extraordinary. Far beyond anything else they’ve done up until now.

More next time.

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1. This is one of my favourite jokes from The Thin Blue Line, which may give you a clue about just how terrible my sense of humour is. ↩

2. Incidentally, it’s worth pointing out that Lucy Robinson corpses slightly at 18:14, on the line “This fixture against Chelsea – it’s quite simply the biggest thing that’s ever happened to Gasforth, and it could not have come at a better time”. This is present in both versions of the episode. They clearly didn’t have a better take of this line, but needed it for the story. ↩

3. OK, who’s up for some brand new information? The Asian businessman is played by Chooi Kheng-Beh, as the end credits reveal, but the part is clearly re-dubbed. But who by?

   The paperwork reveals the answer. The “Revoiced Asian Businessman” is played by Paul Herzberg. And yes, for the record, the part is very specifically labelled as Asian, rather than Japanese. ↩

4. In fact, the second half of Stallion’s call to arms also has some tightening up, with mere frames shaved off between shot changes. I didn’t include these in the video, because I’m trying to keep them as short as possible. All missing dialogue is covered here, though. ↩

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edits, the thick red line, the thin blue line