“Of Course There’s Too Much Duck!”

Assumptions are the enemy of research everywhere. Beware of anything which is “obviously” true. You can find yourself in a whole world of trouble.

For instance, take the two Fawlty Towers script books below.

For years, I owned the one on the left, The Complete Fawlty Towers (Guild Publishing, 1989), which contains the scripts for all 12 episodes. I never bothered getting the one on the right, simply called Fawlty Towers (Contact Publications, 1977), because despite only covering three episodes¹ – “The Builders”, “The Hotel Inspectors”, and “Gourmet Night” – the actual content was going to be identical, right?

Spoiler: no. Although there are some similarities between the two editions, which proves that both were actually sourced from the original scripts. Take the end of “The Hotel Inspectors” (TX: 10/10/75):

Both editions reveal what Basil actually says to Mr. Hutchinson as he escorts him out of the door, which you can’t hear in the broadcast episode:

BASIL: Now go away. If you ever come back I shall kill you.

Which is one of the funniest things I have ever read. You couldn’t really portray it in the episode itself; the studio audience, usually so vital, would always overpower the quiet delivery the line clearly demands. The pie slapstick will always ruin it. But it’s amazing to read in its own right.²

However in other respects, the editions are very different. And one particular difference stands out. The script for the episode “Gourmet Night” (TX: 17/10/75) in the 1977 book contains a fair chunk of dialogue which was shot, but then deleted from the broadcast episode. The 1989 edition, however, has clearly been amended to more closely resemble the broadcast episode, and has removed all this extra dialogue.³

I think you can see where this is going. Strap yourself in for the ride. Here’s a list of the most important changes between the broadcast episode, and the version in the 1977 script book.⁴ Times are given so you can follow along while watching the episode, if you desire.

*   *   *

(3:03) Firstly, a slightly different joke from Basil when he learns Polly has sold a sketch. “What, for money?” he says in the broadcast version. The book has the slightly less pithy “One of yours?”

(3:15) “You drink it for me Manuel”, says Kurt in the broadcast episode. The book has Kurt, here and elsewhere, call him “Manny” instead. Hmmmmm.

(5:56) Some extra dialogue in the book, as Basil argues with that bratty kid Ronald:

RONALD: Haven’t you got any proper chips?
BASIL: Well, these are proper french fried potatoes you see, the chef is Continental.
RONALD: Couldn’t you get an English one?

[Basil is momentarily stumped. Yolande laughs. Basil’s eyes move to her.

YOLANDE: But hasn’t he got any of the frozen crinkly ones?
BASIL: I’m afraid he hasn’t.
YOLANDE: Oh?!
RONALD: Why not?!
BASIL: Well, he likes cooking. That’s why he became a chef.]
YOLANDE: Why don’t you just eat one or two, dear?
RONALD: They’re the wrong shape.

“That’s why he became a chef” is very funny, and also a good example that Basil isn’t always in the wrong.

(9:27) In the broadcast version, Mr. Twitchen’s first name is “Lionel”. In the book, it’s “Leslie”. I haven’t got time to write a long conspiracy theory on this, but by all means feel free to do so.

(10:57) A section cut out from Basil’s first meeting with the Colonel:

BASIL: How delightful to see you again. We met last year at the Golf Club dinner dance, you may remember?
COLONEL: No, I don’t.
BASIL: Ah, fine, well we didn’t talk for long, just good evening really, you know. A blink of the eye and you’d have missed it. As indeed you did. Quite understandably.

The Colonel twitches. Basil stares, puzzled.

BASIL: Sorry?
COLONEL: …What?

[Sybil nudges Basil.

BASIL: Oh, I’d forgotten. Hasn’t it been unremarkable.
COLONEL: …What?
BASIL: The weather… I was just thinking how unremarkable it’s been really. Ha! Hardly worth talking about… in fact not worth talking about. Only a fool would, ha ha ha!]

Sybil nudges him. Basil looks at her and senses he should change the subject.

BASIL: And how is that lovely daughter of yours?
SYBIL: She’s dead.⁵

This is extraneous dialogue really, but once you know something was cut, it’s quite obvious – the repeated close-up of the twitch to cover the edit is slightly awkward in retrospect.

(14:31) A short bit of business with Sybil serving the drinks:

[COLONEL Would you care to join us?
MR TWITCHEN: Oh, thank you very much.

[SYBIL: Here are your tomato juices.

She puts them down.]

SYBIL: Would you like to see the menu?

[COLONEL: Ah, good.

Sybil distributes them.

SYBIL: A menu for you, madam… here we are. And for you sir.

They read the menus keenly.

MRS. HALL: Lobster thermidor!
MRS. TWICHEN: What are Tournedos Medici?
SYBIL: Well, they’re done in a port and cream sauce…]

At the bar.

BASIL: Yes, what is it?
POLLY: Please put the bottle down.

These are more extraneous niceties which are obviously just cut for length. Again, once you know something has been cut here, it’s obvious in the final episode – the tomato juices magically disappear from Sybil’s tray in two consecutive shots:

(16:21) Basil’s line “Oh what’s one little…” is completed in the book: “Oh what’s one little kiss?” I think the cut-off version is funnier.

(16:37) At the end of the same scene, there’s one extra line in the book which isn’t in the broadcast version:

[POLLY: (calling after him) We’ve got the starters.]

This was also clearly shot, because you can see Connie Booth just about to say something before we cut to the next scene. It’s actually a shame this line was cut: the reminder of the starters is useful setup for Mrs. Hall’s unpleasant experience with hers later.

Following on directly from this – and clearly part of the same edit – is some removed dialogue at the start of the next bar scene:

[The four guests are genuinely impressed.

MR. TWITCHEN: Well I’ve never seen a menu like this in Torquay before.
MRS. HALL: Except at the Imperial.
MR. TWITCHEN: Oh yes, but not in a smaller place.
COLONEL: Quite. Most encouraging. Petal and I take our eating quite seriously, but round here…]
MRS. TWITCHEN: I can’t resist the lobster.
COLONEL: No. Tournedos for me every time..

Again, it’s a little shame to lose this bit of dialogue, as the disappointment of the revised menu is greater if they really were impressed with what was on offer originally.

(19:01) Another chunk of dialogue snipped from the bar:

COLONEL: I mean, is this all there is, duck?
BASIL: Um, yes. Done, of course, the three extremely different ways.
COLONEL: And what do you do if you don’t like duck?
BASIL: Well, if you don’t like duck… you’re rather stuck.
MRS. HALL: Well, fortunately I love it.
BASIL: Oh good. So, that’s four ducks, is it?
[MR TWITCHEN: …Looks like it.
COLONEL: Well, isn’t there anything else?
BASIL: Not… as such.

He leans towards them, lowering his voice confidentially.

BASIL: To be perfectly frank, the chef has got a bit of a duck craze on at the moment, but I’m glad to say… it’s on the wane already.
COLONEL: Well I’d hardly call this a gourmet menu!
BASIL: … Too much duck?
COLONEL: Of course there’s too much duck!!

Basil reviews the menu thoughtfully.

BASIL: Yes, there’s an awful lot, isn’t there. I’ll have to have a word with him about this.]

I always wondered why Basil’s brilliant “So, that’s four ducks, is it?” never got a big audience laugh. Here is one possible reason why: because we cut away before we get a chance to hear it!

Regardless, for my money, this is the saddest loss of material in the whole episode, with some very funny lines. “Too much duck” indeed.

(20:25) Basil’s “Major… Colonel!” confusion isn’t in the book, and nor is Polly doing the same later on.

(21:17) Ah, Kurt vomiting all over the plate. It’s a moment which has been endlessly discussed over the years, because of the slightly awkward shot choice here: we don’t actually see the vomiting itself. John Cleese has the following to say on his DVD commentary⁶:

“Now, this is interesting, because obviously what happens is that Kurt vomits onto the plate, and for some reason they wouldn’t let us show that. It doesn’t strike me as being that offensive. So we had to cut away early. Strange, it’s about the only time I remember one of the top executives making a decision like that that I didn’t agree with.”

Anyway, none of the script books shed any particular light on this moment. The main reason I, erm, bring it up is to point out something which I’ve never seen anybody else mention before. Just before the shot cuts away, you can actually see a tiny part of the vomit pass Steve Plytas’ lips:

And don’t you feel much better for seeing that?

(23:58) An interesting change, just before Basil rushes out to get the second duck. As broadcast, he shouts the following:

BASIL: Go and talk to them.
POLLY: What?
BASIL: Entertain them, or something.

But as scripted, the exchange is slightly different:

[BASIL: Go and entertain them!!
POLLY: What?
BASIL: Play them some music, or something.]

The broadcast version is much funnier here, because it means the cut to Manuel playing his guitar is more unexpected.

(24:33) Ah, the infamous duck/trifle swap at André’s. As broadcast, the waiter comes in with a tray, and takes away the one intended for Basil. As scripted, we’re told instead: “As he [Basil] is looking away, a waiter puts a similar tray and cover next to the duck. Basil declines the sauces, turns and picks up the wrong one.”

This may seem a small change, but I think it’s an important one. The broadcast version attaches less blame to Basil for the mistake: it could happen to anyone. As scripted, it’s arguably more Basil’s fault: if there are suddenly two trays, Basil should clearly check which one is his.

It does strike me that for all Basil’s uselessness, none of the really bad things which happen to him in this episode are his fault. For a start, it was André who landed him with a drunken, useless chef…

(26:03) Ah, the “thrashing” scene. And here we have something fascinating. We have nothing less than an earlier version of one of the most famous parts of Fawlty Towers.

As broadcast, the rant goes as follows:

“Right! That’s it! I’ve had enough! You’ve tried it on just once too often! Right! Well don’t say I haven’t warned you! I’ve laid it on the line to you time and time again! Right! Well! This is it! I’m going to give you a damn good thrashing.”

But as scripted, it’s rather different:

[Right! That’s it! I’m going to give you a piece of my mind. I’ve never liked you, you son-of-a-bitch, you’ve never run right, you’ve had it in for me right from the beginning haven’t you? Well, you’ve had this coming to you! I’m going to give you a damn good thrashing.]

“Son-of-a-bitch” is definitely stronger than the broadcast version. It’s difficult to argue with what was eventually transmitted considering how famous it’s become, but I find the unused “I’ve never liked you” very funny.

(28:06) And finally, we have the most intriguing lost moment of all. Firstly, take a look at this screengrab of the final scene from “Gourmet Night”:

And then take a look at this photo taken during the afternoon dress rehearsal, just before the main recording:

What the bloody hell is Kurt doing there on the right? That doesn’t happen in the broadcast episode!⁷

Sadly, the script book, despite all the huge chunks of unbroadcast dialogue above, resolutely refuses to answer our question. One possible reason for this is that unfortunately, a fair few of the stage directions in the original scripts throughout the book have been deleted, in favour of screengrabs from the show:

I’m sure the makers of the book were trying to add some value to proceedings here, but it is in fact supremely unhelpful, and not just because of what we’re trying to figure out here. It actually does the exact opposite of what it’s trying to achieve: the grabs are so unclear that the original stage directions would be far more helpful. At times, I only understand what is going on in a scene because I remember it so well from watching it. An audience in 1977, without VHS or DVDs, needed those missing stage directions far more than we do now.

With no help from the script book – and without access to the camera script – I can think of four possible reasons for Kurt appearing in the rehearsal photo, but not in the scene as broadcast.

1. Kurt was never supposed to be in that scene, and they just added him purely for the photo, for publicity reasons. This doesn’t really ring true, however, Partly because I’ve never seen this happen with any other rehearsal photo, and partly because it isn’t even a good picture of Steve Plytas, so what would be the point?
2. This was something they chucked in during the dress rehearsal, to see if it would work. It didn’t, so they never did it when actually shooting the episode.
3. That this was the original ending to the episode, as scripted, but they decided against it for the final recording.
4. Finally, this photo shows the true original ending to the episode, and it was shot… and then removed in the edit, as one joke too many, in favour of the impact of “Duck’s off, sorry”.

I suspect the last option is the most likely… or maybe I just really want it to be. It was almost certainly a sensible cut regardless: Kurt reappearing feels like it would be one element too many in the scene. But it is slightly odd that as broadcast, Kurt just disappears from the episode five minutes before the end; the last we see of him, Basil is throwing the flattened duck at his face in the kitchen. Fawlty Towers often delighted in bringing every element of the show together for the climax; think the end of The Kipper and the Corpse.

Even if it was a correct deletion, the image of a drunken Kurt coming flying through the kitchen doors, and landing in Mrs. Hall’s lap is a delightful one. A final little piece of indignity for our guests… and for Basil.

I like to think the studio audience, at least, might have got to see it.

With many thanks to Dene Kernohan, who inspired this entire article, and Moriarty01 on Cook’d and Bomb’d, who spotted the intriguing rehearsal photo.

1. A “Book 2” published in 1979 covers the rest of Series 1. Series 2 was never published in this form, and had to wait for The Complete Fawlty Towers to make it onto the shelves. ↩

2. More prosaically, both books also confirm a slightly unfortunate John Cleese fluff in that clip, which I’ve wondered about for years. As broadcast, Basil says “Good afternoon gentlemen. And what can do I for you three gentlemen?” The repeated “gentlemen” is vaguely annoying. Of course, the scripted line is simply “Good afternoon. And what can I do for you three gentlemen?” This means that Fawlty Towers is rubbish and I hate it. ↩

3. So much so, in fact, that the 1989 edition really does mostly resemble a transcript, and I thought it was one at first glance. But the stage directions are very similar and often identical to the 1977 book, and it contains the extra line in The Hotel Inspectors as per above, neither of which would be the case if it was a pure transcript. ↩

4. A few minor differences in phrasing are not noted. ↩

5. Probably the most horrible moment in all 12 episodes of Fawlty Towers. ↩

6. Which is brilliant, incidentally. One of the best DVD commentaries I’ve ever heard. For more, see this article I wrote back in 2015. ↩

7. To stave off any disbelief: the image isn’t photoshopped in order to add Kurt, it really is like that on Getty’s site. It is a bit of a weird photo, though. ↩

8. Andrew Pixley, TV Zone #151. ↩

9. Getty gives the date as the 6th September, but this is incorrect according to the BBC’s records. ↩

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