“What Is the Function of This Illusion?”

1. Model Shot
Starfield. We pan to reveal enormous sun. After a pause, Starbug beetles across the disc of the sun.

2. Int. Obs. Deck
Dark. Various consoles click into life as we pan round the room, and come to rest on two deep sleep units. Suddenly, one of them flares with blue light from inside, and its hood hisses back, revealing a slowly-waking LISTER, wearing soiled long johns. He sits up. His mouth tastes vile. He notices his fingernails and toenails are six inches long. LISTER pads across the room, and starts to cut his nails in a desk-mounted pencil sharpener. He catches his reflection in a blank TV screen.

LISTER: (To his reflection) Who the hell are you?

Red Dwarf, “Psirens”, Primordial Soup

The Red Dwarf episode “Psirens” was first broadcast on BBC2 on the 7th October 1993. But that’s not how a lot of Red Dwarf fans first experienced the episode. Or specifically, how they first read it.

Because in March 1993, the first Red Dwarf script book, Primordial Soup was published. This contained the scripts for the episodes “Polymorph”, “Marooned”, “Dimension Jump”, “Justice”, “Back to Reality”, and… erm, “Psirens”. Seven months before it was broadcast. Not exactly how you’d choose to reveal the first episode of a brand new series, especially one with an intriguing format change: the crew left adrift on Starbug.

The reason why the script was published before the episode was actually broadcast can be found on reddwarf.co.uk’s behind-the-scenes section on Red Dwarf VI:¹

“The writing of Red Dwarf VI was a hurried affair. The BBC had given the harsh deadline of a Spring broadcast and, under a ‘now or never’ threat, the writers began work on scripts which would still be under construction as the shows were recorded. […]

The script to “Psirens” was published in Primordial Soup, a collection of six of Red Dwarf‘s “least worst” scripts. The BBC had elected to save the broadcast of Red Dwarf VI until October and so details of the first episode were prematurely exposed.”

Book deals can backfire when the BBC engages in its trademark Pissing About™.

Truth be told, I find “Psirens” to be a bit of an odd episode. In one sense, it’s taking Red Dwarf into areas it’s never quite gone before: with the titular ship lost, the transition into a Starbug-based action show is one step beyond even episodes like “Terrorform” from the previous series. I personally enjoy the feeling of Red Dwarf VI very much, and think it’s one of the best reinventions the show ever had.

On the other hand, no matter how hard the episode leans into Greek mythology and “Sirens luring sailors to their death on the asteroids, sorry, rocks”, the idea is just a little too close to the earlier “Polymorph” for comfort, with a dash of “Camille” thrown in for good measure. Which might not be quite so much of a problem… except there is a genuine “Polymorph” sequel later on in Red Dwarf VI, with “Emohawk”. Of course the show has revisited various ideas in the past, but “Psirens” is the first time for me that the series flies a little too close to just retreading an idea directly.

But we’re not here to rehash fan talking points about Red Dwarf VI from the last three decades. It’s much more fun to talk about material present in the original script of “Psirens”, but cut before air. As reddwarf.co.uk continues:

“Cut sections included a second Space Corps Directive gag, Lister’s collection of ex-girlfriend pictures, the details of how he got a tattoo, and a moment where the Psiren’s blood trail was revealed to be an illusion and actually the Psiren in disguise.”

Most of this material was generally cut for sensible reasons. It’s not terrible by any means, but there are stronger Space Corps directives gags in the series than this one:

RIMMER: What about Space Corps directive 5796?
KRYTEN: 5796? ‘No officer above the rank of mess sergeant is permitted to go into combat with pierced nipples’?!? Pardon me, but how does that possibly pertain to the current situation?
RIMMER: 5797, then.
KRYTEN: The hell with the regs, sir. I’m letting him in.

KRYTEN presses the door release.

RIMMER: On your square head be it.

But there is one particularly interesting cut, alluded to in the reddwarf.co.uk piece above. After the crew have defeated one of the Psirens by having a guitar battle – hey, just watch the episode if that doesn’t make sense – then we get the following in the published script:

LISTER: I resent this. I resent you saving my life in this way. I won’t forget this.
RIMMER: Where’s it gone?

ALL look down for the Psiren’s corpse. It has vanished. A trail of yellow Psiren blood leads to the spiral staircase.

KRYTEN: It’s crawled down to the engine room.

Alert signs flash and a siren whoops.

RIMMER: Meteor storm! Off the port bow. It’s a biggie.
KRYTEN: Recommend you two stay and man the cockpit. Mr Rimmer and I will pursue the Psiren.
RIMMER: Um, that’s quite a good plan, Kryten. Excellent in all but one detail. I think you know what it is. (Waves) ‘Bye.²
KRYTEN: There’s no time to argue.

KRYTEN heads for the spiral stairs. The others dash into the cockpit. After a short pause, the bloodstain trail vanishes, and the wounded PSIREN drops its illusion of invisibility and re-appears where it fell.

But here’s how the above plays out in the broadcast version of the scene:

The whole idea of the Psiren dropping its illusion of invisibility is deleted entirely in the final episode. Instead, the Psiren really has crawled down to the engine room, ready to face the crew for the final showdown.

The Psiren reappearing was almost certainly recorded, however. If we look at two consecutive frames of the scene’s final shot³, you can see some dodgy split screen shenanigans on the top half of the picture, indicating a cut reveal:

It looks very much like the above shot was truncated, and if we’d stayed on it just a little longer, the shot would have wiped downwards entirely to remove the blood, and reveal the Psiren.

Who knows why this was deleted? Maybe they were scrabbling for seconds of time to cut. Maybe the shot was technically just not up to scratch, with no money or time to redo it. (What we can still see of it doesn’t look fantastic.) Or maybe it was simply decided to change how they told the story in the edit.

But why it was cut doesn’t really matter. Far more interesting is the actual effect it has on the broadcast episode. Or rather, the lack of effect.

Because what does that shot of the Psiren reappearing actually do? Why does it matter whether the Psiren is just pretending to be wounded and then follows the gang down to the engine room, or is wounded but still manages to drag its ass down to the engine room anyway? If the final confrontation is there regardless, then it’s completely irrelevant. If anything, the Psiren pretending to go down to the engine room, and then following them down there anyway, is mildly confusing.

We do get the following dialogue from Lister as he prowls round the engine room, which remains in the broadcast version:

LISTER: The meteor storm was another illusion. The Psiren’s not as badly wounded as we thought.

But crucially, this dialogue works whether we see the Psiren recovering on the floor or not. As scripted, we see that the Psiren isn’t badly wounded; but as broadcast, it works as a revelation that the Psiren is still a threat.

In short: no matter why it was cut, it was the right thing to do regardless. The reappearing Psiren doesn’t actually achieve much in terms of plot. And generally, you’re better off with the simple version of proceedings. Red Dwarf is complicated enough as it is.

Sometimes, a mistake at script stage can be fixed by just removing a single shot.

1. The eagle-eyed among you will note that link goes to reddwarf.info, not reddwarf.co.uk. The official site is in a severe state of disrepair, so I’ll be linking to this unofficial but far better archive of it. ↩

2. This is one of those very funny Red Dwarf moments that nobody remembers, but are essentially why I love the show. ↩

3. I’ve artifically brightened the picture so you can see it better. ↩

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