“Specially Shot for Onslow’s Telly”

DAISY: There was a time when you used to chase me all over the house.
ONSLOW: That was before we got colour, wasn’t it.

— Keeping Up Appearances, “The Art Exhibition”, TX: 11/10/92

Here on Dirty Feed, we like to answer people’s burning questions about television occasionally. So let’s look at two related queries¹ from friend of the site Rob Keeley, who wants to know the following about Keeping Up Appearances:

1. What’s the scary movie Onslow’s always watching, and
2. What movie is in the QE2’s cinema in the “Sea Fever” special?

I can answer these questions… but it gets complicated. Strap yourself in. Here is each and every film which Onslow watches from the comfort of his armchair. The lazy bastard.

Shalako • First (and last) TX: 29th October 1990

The first episode of Keeping Up Appearances – known these days as “Daddy’s Accident”² – was a genuine pilot made six months before the rest of the series, although first broadcast with the rest of Series 1. This has RAMIFICATIONS when it comes to our topic for today. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. What is the very first thing that we ever see Onslow watch?

Yes, a film. Specifically, the 1968 western Shalako, starring Sean Connery and Brigitte Bardot.³ From the production paperwork:

Film used on television screen:
‘SHALAKO’: Weintraub Screen Entertainment
Taken off VT, spool nos: H82311 & H82301
Duration used:
Sound only: 2’21”
In vision: 0’10”

This is the first and last time we ever see a genuine film on Onslow’s TV. But how? Surely we see him watching films all the time?

Virgin’s End • First in-vision TX: 19th November 1990

Let’s not bury the lede. For the entire rest of the show’s run, all the films we see on Onslow’s telly are entirely fake, and consist of material recorded specially for the programme during the main Keeping Up Appearances location shoots.

The big question is: why? Surely it’s much harder to shoot custom material, instead of just using an existing film? For the full story behind this, we have to check Producer/Director Harold Snoad’s book, It’s Bouquet – Not Bucket!, which is rapidly becoming some kind of bible around these parts.

I’m going to quote a fairly large section, because it’s all relevant:

“By the way, one of the things that presented a little bit of a problem was what Onslow was watching on his telly. In the pilot episode I used an extract from a Western feature film but, to use it, the BBC had to pay, quite reasonably, a fee. At that stage, of course, I had no idea just how often future scripts would call for Onslow to be seen watching TV. As soon as it became obvious that it would be virtually every episode I realised that this could become a very costly operation.

I therefore decided that it would be much cheaper for the BBC if we made ‘films’ of our own. During every filming period you have to schedule a certain amount of time (usually a couple of days every three weeks) as ‘standby’ to allow for shooting sequences that weren’t able to be filmed as originally planned because of inclement weather. If an element of those two days hadn’t been used because the weather hadn’t been all that bad – or we had managed to pick up the lost sequence on another day because something hadn’t taken quite as long to film as myself and my production manager had originally thought – there were occasions when we could see that we would probably have the odd afternoon free.

In case you are wondering why, in these instances, we didn’t just move on to another sequence, this isn’t always possible because it quite often involves artists who aren’t contracted to join us until later and locations and vehicles that are not available to us earlier than the originally arranged date. For various reasons, therefore, there generally came a time in most filming periods when we could see that on a certain day we would have a few spare hours. I used those to make the ‘movies’ you saw on Onslow’s telly – or to be more precise, the ‘extracts’ you saw.

The first one was made in some woods alongside the unit hotel and was a spoof horror movie which featured a girl being chased by a phantom-type character. It only ran for about three minutes and starred our very pretty make-up girl. Everyone joined in the making and Geoffrey Hughes had a go with the sound boom, although lost the job fairly quickly because he managed to get the microphone in shot so much!

The sequences were edited together by Andy, my VT editor⁴, and appropriate mood music was added. Andy called the first one Virgin’s End and from then on gave each one a title that continued the ‘End’ theme.

Our very first glimpse of Virgin’s End comes in the fourth episode of Series 1, “The Charity Shop”, broadcast on the 19th November 1990. Sadly, the production paperwork I have access to for this particular episode doesn’t mention this material at all, but we can see from the episode itself that it fits Snoad’s description of being made in some woods:

One particular point made by Snoad will put us in good stead into figuring out exactly what happens with these films for the rest of Keeping Up Appearances:

“Eventually there were so many occasions when Onslow had his telly on that the various sequences were used quite a number of times – although I tried to avoid having the same sequences in consecutively transmitted episodes.”

This is absolutely correct; once a film is made, it keeps being used for the rest of the show’s run. So come Series 3, Virgin’s End reappears in “Iron Age Remains”. This time round the film even provides a character moment for Richard, with him getting a little too into it because of the pretty girl, much to Hyacinth’s dismay:

I wonder if the screaming from the film at the end of that clip on Hyacinth’s realisation was deliberate, or a happy accident.

I’m not going to embed videos of every single time each film appears, but one other instance of Virgin’s End is worth noting. In the final episode of Series 4, “Let There Be Light”, we finally catch a brief glimpse of the “Phantom-type character” that’s chasing the girl, as described by Snoad:

This was first broadcast on the 17th October 1993. Our ersatz Phantom has always been in the fake film, of course, but we just didn’t happen to see him for three years!

All the above is easy enough. It’s not really much of a problem to identify these films when we get to see them. But Keeping Up Appearances throws one more spanner in the works: often Onslow’s television isn’t in shot, and we only hear the films. Luckily, we have one more trick up our sleeve. Back to Snoad:

“When any dialogue was involved I wrote it but I generally tried not to have too much of this because, when played on the telly at Onslow’s, dialogue from the set would have intruded into the main action – especially at the high sound level that Onslow was supposed to watch television.

I therefore hit a happy compromise that the visuals seen on his TV should be mainly accompanied by mood music and effects.”

This music is generally noted in the paperwork, and helps us get an initial idea of what’s going on. For Virgin’s End, the track “Frenzy 1” by Tim Souster from the De Wolfe release “Scream and Scream Again” was used. However, as regular readers of this site will be unsurprised to hear, the paperwork is also inaccurate or incomplete at times. So we also need to carefully examine the episodes themselves to get a true idea. This can be tricky, as much of the time, the films are drowned out by Onslow and Daisy talking. Bloody Roy Clarke, writing a sitcom with funny dialogue instead of making my job easier.⁵

Still, the final scores on the doors for Virgin’s End are:

Seen in: “The Charity Shop” (1.4), “Iron Age Remains” (3.2), “Let There Be Light” (4.7), “Angel Gabriel Blue” (x.3)
Heard in: “Skis” (5.5), “The Rolls-Royce” (5.9)

Gangster’s End • First in-vision TX: 12th November 1990

It’s at this point that we have to stop ourselves falling into a rather large trap that Snoad has unwittingly left for us. In It’s Bouquet – Not Bucket! he writes:

“I eventually made Gangster’s End (in the breakers yard near Onslow’s), Hostage’s End (in a disused and about-to-be-pulled-down element of our location hotel), German’s End (on a railway siding) and Pilot’s End (in a barn).”

There is an irresistible temptation when attempting to interpret the above. Virgin’s End was made for Series 1. Snoad mentions four more films. What would make sense is that he made one fake film per series, for each of the five series of Keeping Up Appearances. We’re happily kicked towards this conclusion with Snoad’s use of the word “eventually”; surely Gangster’s End was made during Series 2?

As you all well know by now, things are never that easy. If we check the paperwork for Series 1’s “Stately Home”, broadcast on the 12th November 1990 – yes, a week earlier than “The Charity Shop” – we can see the following:

Gangster sequence on “Onslow’s Telly” specially shot on Betacam SP

And sure enough, when we watch the actual programme:

Remember that Snoad said Gangster’s End was made in “the breakers yard near Onslow’s”. That perfectly matches what we see above. So despite Snoad sending us down the wrong track, he clearly made two fake films for the first series of Keeping Up Appearances.

The film is also seen in “Problems with Relatives” in Series 2, and it’s a slightly different part of it:

The library music used in this film, as with Virgin’s End, is all from De Wolfe and “Scream and Scream Again” by Tim Souster. This time, it’s a combination of three tracks, rather than just one: “Torment 1”, “Killer Stab 5”, and “Deadly Nightshade 1”. All three tracks appear in the videos above.

As before, this becomes very useful when figuring out when then film is only heard in an episode, rather than seen:

Seen in: “Stately Home” (1.3), “Problems With Relatives” (2.5), “What to Wear When Yachting” (3.7)
Heard in: “Driving Mrs Fortescue” (2.2), Singing for Emmet (2.7), “Violet’s Country Cottage” (3.3), “The Rolls-Royce” (5.9)

German’s End • First in-vision TX: 6th October 1991

In Series 1, two of these fake films appeared: Virgin’s End, and Gangster’s End. For Series 2, two brand new ones make their debut. Let’s take a look at Episode 6, “Onslow’s Birthday”, broadcast on the 6th October 1991:

Remember Snoad’s description of each film excerpt?

“I eventually made Gangster’s End (in the breakers yard near Onslow’s), Hostage’s End (in a disused and about-to-be-pulled-down element of our location hotel), German’s End (on a railway siding) and Pilot’s End (in a barn).”

The material above is clearly shot on a railway siding, and thus must be German’s End.

It’s also used in the first episode of Series 3, “Early Retirement”, and this time we get an unusually good look at the film at the start:

The music tracks used are a little more extensive and varied than the previous two films:

• “At Risk (Mix C)”, John Devereaux (Screenplay, KPM75)⁶
• “Guerilla Warfare”, Cath Baxter (Danger/War, Chappell AV012)⁷
• “Tension”, Roger Roger (World War II – Drama, Chappell 127)
• “Approaching Evil – Alt Mix Version 1”, Chris Payne/Paul Rogers (Drama/Vocal/Horror/Romance, CAR181)⁸

You can hear “Guerilla Warfare” in the first episode of Series 2, “A Strange Man”, broadcast on 1st September 1991. So this is technically the debut of German’s End in the show – just out of vision.

Seen in: “Onslow’s Birthday” (2.6), “Early Retirement” (3.1), “Angel Gabriel Blue” (x.3)
Heard in: “A Strange Man” (2.1), “How to Go on Holiday Without Really Trying” (3.4), “A Job for Richard” (4.1), “A Riverside Picnic” (5.4), “Country Estate Sale” (5.6), “The Hostess” (5.10), “The Pageant” (x.4)

Hostage’s End • First in-vision TX: 15th September 1991

The second new film for Series 2 is in the third episode, “The Candlelight Supper”, broadcast on the 15th September 1991:

This is Hostage’s End, as the paperwork for Series 2 helpfully reveals:⁹

BETA, specially shot hostage film for “Onslow’s Telly”
Dur 01’07” (sound only)

Oddly enough, Hostage’s End is seen three times during the space of six episodes in Series 3. Here is its appearance in “How to Go on Holiday Without Really Trying”, which again shows a different section of the film than we usually see:

Only one piece of music seems to be used in all the film’s appearances: “Blind Panic” by Richard Harvey, from the KPM album Unnatural Causes 1.

Seen in: “The Candlelight Supper” (2.3), “Iron Age Remains” (3.2), “How to Go on Holiday Without Really Trying” (3.4), “The Art Exhibition” (3.6), “Country Retreat” (4.2)
Heard in: “A Picnic for Daddy” (2.10), “The Mayor’s Fancy Dress Ball” (5.2), “The Rolls-Royce” (5.9)

Pilot’s/Actor’s End • First in-vision TX: 10th October 1993

Onto our final film. And this is where our story takes a bit of an odd turn.

Series 1 had two fake films debut; so did Series 2. That’s four out of the five films which Snoad made throughout the run of Keeping Up Appearances. Which means that during the last three series, we only had one brand new film. That turns out to have debuted in the sixth episode of Series 4, “Please Mind Your Head”, broadcast on the 10th October 1993. Snoad calls it Pilot’s End in his book, but the production paperwork calls it Actor’s End.

Sadly, we don’t actually see very much of it at all; a couple of seconds from an extremely bad camera angle, giving no idea of what’s really going on. The most distinctive thing about it is the sound of a load of clucking chickens:

Even worse: that’s the only appearance the film makes in-vision for the rest of the show’s run. And it only makes one other appearance out of vision, in the Series 5 episode “Hyacinth is Alarmed”. It’s by far the least-used of Snoad’s films.

So, what do we know about it? We know from Snoad’s book that it’s set in “a barn”, and we know from the production paperwork that it includes the characters of “Pilot” and “Farm Girl”. We also know that it uses two music tracks: “Searchlight” and “Tomorrow We Live”, both from the Chappell release World War II – Drama.

It is tempting to come up with intricate theories as to why this film was barely used, especially given how often Snoad’s other films made it to the screen. But I suspect it’s just down to the vagaries of production; they’re making a sitcom, not a showcase for these silly things, and it probably just turned out that way. It’s also worth noting that in his book, Snoad details extensively how he pushed Patricia Routledge to do a sixth series, which she ultimately failed to agree to; we can presume that had there been another series, Pilot’s End may well have finally had its moment in the spotlight.

Seen in: “Please Mind Your Head” (4.6)
Heard in: “Hyacinth Is Alarmed” (5.3)

*   *   *

Which just leaves us with Rob’s second question, about the Christmas Special “Sea Fever”, shown on the 26th December 1993. Yes, the one where Hyacinth goes on the QE2.¹⁰

But first up, what’s Onslow watching in his cabin?

Luckily, the production paperwork reveals all. I love how sometimes paperwork like this forgoes strange numbers and incomprehensible technical details, and just tells you exactly what you want to know in plain English:

Bow sea sequence shown on television in Onslow’s cabin is live – actually routed to all cabins whilst ship is cruising.

Onslow’s thoughtful expression as he’s watching the most boring thing in the world is very funny. I love the thought process behind all this: having spent four series having Onslow watch any old crap on telly, of course he’d enjoy watching a real time view of the ship’s bow.

But onto Rob’s question. When Hyacinth & Co go stumbling through the QE2’s cinema, what film is it on the screen?

The answer to this is also in the paperwork:

Extract from “Strictly Ballroom” shown on screen in QE2 cinema: colour/sync – 0.09″ in vision/0.11″ sound

OK, so you might think: isn’t this a bit of an odd thing to tack onto the bottom of an article about Onslow’s telly? Well, yeah, maybe. It sure would be nice if I could come up with something which neatly tied everything together.

Hang on, the paperwork also says this about the Strictly Ballroom material:

Cleared for UK only – international version exists with replacement sequence

So the above was only used for broadcast in the UK, although the same version is also now used on iPlayer. But for international sales, they had to use something different, as they couldn’t get Strictly Ballroom cleared, at least cost-effectively. And this international version was also what ended up being released on DVD, and also shown on channels such as Gold and Drama.¹¹

So what did they replace it with?¹²

A little bit of Virgin’s End. Amazing.

With thanks to Rob Keeley for inspiring this article, Darrell Maclaine for telling me how to structure it sensibly after the dreadful half-written first draft, and Tanya Jones for her usual editing skillz.

---

1. Yes, from two years ago. I never said we like to answer people’s burning questions about television quickly. ↩

2. I have discussed the issue with Keeping Up Appearances and episode titles before, but it’s worth going over again. There are no episode titles for the show given on-screen in the original broadcast of any of the episodes, or listed in the Radio Times. Even the official paperwork simply states “Episode 1”, “Episode 2”, and so on. All the episode titles I use in this article were bestowed upon the show much later on, although most of them are currently used on bbc.co.uk, aside for Series 5.

   I don’t really like using titles which weren’t applied to the episodes originally, but I’ve used them here for the sake of clarity. ↩

3. As I have mentioned before, this is a particularly amusing coincidence, given the film’s link with The Young Ones and flash frames. ↩

4. Andy Quested. ↩

5. There is a chance I have missed the odd instance where a film is present as audio only throughout this article, but not very many. The list of instances where we actually see the films should be complete. ↩

6. “Mix E” is also used, which is the piano riff at the end of “Mix C” by itself. ↩

7. The album artwork spells “Guerrilla” with one r rather than two, as does the Keeping Up Appearances paperwork, which I believe is incorrect. ↩

8. It is specifically the Alt Mix – the Full Mix contains choral elements not present in Keeping Up Appearances, which give it more of an Omen-style feel. ↩

9. Actually, this is from the paperwork for Episode 10, “A Picnic for Daddy”; the paperwork for Episode 3 doesn’t mention Onslow’s telly at all. Luckily, the music is the same in both, so we can easily match things up. This gives you a brief insight into how I’ve had to piece this article together; earlier, unpublished versions went into a lot more detail about how I had to do that, but even the most devoted readers of this site would have fallen asleep by the end of the first paragraph. Frankly, you’re lucky not to have fallen asleep by the end of this footnote. ↩

10. Shown on the same evening as One Foot in the Algarve. What a thoroughly brilliant evening of television. ↩

11. In his book, Snoad heavily implies that the altered international/DVD version is what originally aired in the UK, but this is incorrect. ↩

12. Note that the replacement isn’t done perfectly. When the gang cross the screen, the light reflected onto them is still the pink from the original sequence, rather than the green of the replacement. Also, when it cuts to Hyacinth, they couldn’t manage to replace the picture in the close-up, so it reverts back to the Strictly Ballroom clip!

    To make the latter problem at least slightly less obvious, they remove one of the close-ups of Hyacinth, and extend the other shots accordingly. ↩

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