NO OFFENCE: Anyway, you’re about to see a show that has been cobbled together using bits of shoddy old material previously thought unworthy for your eyes, but now in a desperate attempt to stuff their schedule with any old tat, the once trustworthy BBC is pretending it’s something really quite exclusive. No offence.
Introduction to You Ain’t Seen These… Right?, The Fast Show Night
On the 11th September 1999 at 9pm, BBC Two broadcast two hours of programming under the title The Fast Show Night. If you can get over the idea of two hours being called a theme night – I always think three is the bare minimum – it really was a splendid collection of shows, and one I remember very fondly from first transmission. I still have my off-air on VHS somewhere.
The evening consisted of the following, all of which ended up on The Ultimate Collection DVD in some form or another:
- Links from the Fast Show gang, bizarrely shot against a very unflattering grey background.1 One of the highlights comes early on, with Lyndsay of the Off-Roaders yelling “Suits you, sir!” repeatedly.
- Fast Show Fanatics, three sequences featuring various fans of the series. Thank you Johnny Depp, I heard enough from you back in 1999.
- The very first episode of The Fast Show. It helps that it’s a pretty good one, with few of the problems often encountered when pulling out the first episode of something for an evening of celebration, and it turns out to be weird and/or actively bad. See: Spitting Image.
- A 40 minute documentary, Suit You, Sir! The Inside Leg of the Fast Show, which I’ve always really enjoyed, especially the baiting of Harry Enfield.2
- And finally, our topic for today: You Ain’t Seen These… Right?, a 30-minute compilation of previously unseen sketches from across the first three series.
It’s become a cliche to say that the offcuts of some programmes are better than what other shows deem their best material. It’s a cliche which I’m afraid I can’t shatter here. The material in You Ain’t Seen These… Right? is well up to scratch, with some brilliant sketches included, and one moment which is a serious contender for the very funniest moment in the whole of The Fast Show. It’s so good, in fact, that it deserves a closer look.
What follows then, is a list of all the sketches in the show, including their proper titles, authors, and crucially, which series they were originally shot for, which is the bit I find most interesting.3. The 30-minute broadcast edit of the show is available on iPlayer, and is the version we’re dealing with here, so feel free to watch along.
You can insert the Off-Roaders catchphrase here if you like. I can’t quite bring myself to.
* * *
(0:00) Anyone Fancy A Pint (WW2/BOMB)
Written by: Whitehouse/Higson/Cummings
Recorded for: Series 1
And to kick things off, here’s something I don’t think many people have spotted before. Mark Williams’ ARP warden, in the pre-titles sketch? It’s an offcut from the bomb disposal “Anyone fancy a pint?” sketch in Series 1, Episode 2. This is directly stated in the paperwork, but if you watch the original sketch in 1.2, you can see Mark Williams quickly exiting off-screen at the beginning!
You Ain’t Seen These… Right?
Series 1, Episode 2
This is the most exciting revelation in this whole article, so you might as well click away now.
(0:28) King & Jester
Written by: Whitehouse/Higson
Recorded for: Series 1
“Burn him. And burn his face first.” These sketches are some of my favourite in the whole of The Fast Show. And to think we nearly didn’t get to see them.
To tie in with the broadcast of You Ain’t Seen These, the Radio Times published a short article featuring Paul Whitehouse giving some background on the sketches. He had this to say about the King:
“When Simon did the King in rehearsals, it was the funniest thing. On the day, there was this elaborate set – it was meant to be a little throne. Simon didn’t have the same cockiness he had in rehearsals. It was all a bit too grand.”
Far be it for me to disagree with a literal comedy genius, and I can’t speak for how the rehearsals went down, but for me, the grand set is half the point; it gives something for the sketch to undercut.
(0:54) Up All Night Shagging
Written by: Whitehouse/Higson
Recorded for: Series 3
Until I started researching this article, I was convinced that this Whitehouse character was in Series 3 proper. Nope. It’s easily good enough to be, though.
This first sketch, with him boasting in the office, uses the same set as Colin Hunt’s office elsewhere in Series 3. There is a whole article to be written about set reuse in The Fast Show, and I’ll get round to it in 2095.
(1:10) Ted & Ralph: Holidays/Moustache
Written by: Whitehouse/Higson
Recorded for: Series 2
(2:10) Embarrassed Dad: Breast Cancer
Written by: Thomson
Recorded for: Series 2
Whitehouse, in the aforementioned Radio Times article:
“It wasn’t quite clear enough that he had to get away from anything to do with intimacy or the female body – he might have been getting excited.”
I think it’s clear enough, but the glasses might have been a mistake, which in this context are perhaps too easily read as “pervert” rather than “dad”.4
(2:27) Road Rage
Written by: Williams
Recorded for: Series 3
These sketches are called “Road Rage” in the paperwork, and Mark Williams is just credited as “Road rage driver”, but in the Radio Times piece, he’s called “Road-rage Richard”. Paul Whitehouse:
“That was filmed a year and a half ago5 and, watching it back, for the life of me I can’t see why it didn’t get in before. It’s great – much better than a lot of the rubbish we put in. We did it very last-minute and I suppose it just didn’t feel right at the time.”
I think he’s correct on this one – these could easily have been peppered throughout Series 3 and worked very well. Arguably, we get to see a little too much of him when he’s all thrown into one episode, as it really is just one joke.
(2:45) Amazing Tales: Elvis
Written by: Cummings/Day
Recorded for: Series 1
Should this sketch have been cut from the main show? Should it f-
(4:52) Road Rage
Written by: Williams
Recorded for: Series 3
(4:56) Crafty Cockney
Written by: Whitehouse/Higson
Recorded for: Series 2
(5:33) Road Rage
Written by: Williams
Recorded for: Series 3
“You’re a BUILDER mate, you’re a BUILDER.” I have quoted this for 25 years and counting now, because I am very annoying. Regardless, this is my favourite Road Rage sketch of the lot.
(5:42) Mid-Life Crisis: Golf6
Written by: Whitehouse/Higson
Recorded for: Series 3
Surely the best-remembered set of sketches in this special, mainly thanks to that punchline. But we’ll get to that in all good time.
For the final time, let’s go back to Paul Whitehouse in the Radio Times:
“It’s fine within an episode, but we weren’t sure it would sustain over a series. Charlie’s voice was too close to his Swiss Toni, and there were already enough filthy middle-aged characters in the show. But it gets the biggest laugh we’ve ever had.”
I think they most certainly would not sustain a series, but I think there’s a good reason for that: these sketches tell an ongoing story, even more than Ted & Ralph do, and you’d simply lose the thread when spread across multiple episodes. The obvious thing to do with it is make it a single-episode runner, as indeed You Ain’t Seen These does, but it does take up a good six minutes of the show, which is slightly atypical for the series.
(6:31) Up All Night Shagging
Written by: Whitehouse/Higson
Recorded for: Series 3
(6:48) Embarrassed Dad: Smear Test
Written by: John Thomson
Recorded for: Series 2
(7:14) King & Jester7
Written by: Whitehouse/Higson
Recorded for: Series 1
(7:50) Road Rage
Written by: Williams
Recorded for: Series 3
(8:08) Mid-Life Crisis: Set-Up
Written by: Whitehouse/Higson
Recorded for: Series 3
The Fast Show gang first mentioned the existence of these Mid-Life Crisis sketches during publicity for Series 3 in 1997. With thanks to Ignatius_S on Cook’d and Bomb’d, here’s the gang on Light Lunch on the 21st November 1997. The relevant section is at 2:44 into the video:
The thing I find most interesting there is the idea that they might reshoot them at some point. Clearly, this idea had fallen by the wayside by the time You Ain’t Seen These came around a couple of years later.
(9:06) Alcoholic Dad
Written by: Whitehouse/Higson
Recorded for: Series 2
(11:36) Ron Manager
Written by: Whitehouse/Higson/Williams
Recorded for: Series 3
(12:01) Road Rage
Written by: Williams
Recorded for: Series 3
(12:08) Tommy Cockles’ Intro to Arthur Atkinson
Written by: Whitehouse/Higson/Day
Recorded for: Series 3
Interesting that Cockles’ intro and the main sketch are listed separately in the paperwork, in order to correctly credit Day’s contribution to the writing for Cockles.
(12:52) Blame Arthur
Written by: Whitehouse/Higson
Recorded for: Series 3
I absolutely love this sketch. “But were they not to be blunt i.e. sharp…”
Episode 3.2 has another Blame Arthur sketch, and honestly, I could watch a whole 30-minute episode.8 Cumulating in Arthur being seriously injured while being thrown through a window, maybe.
(14:12) Nuns
Written by: “Ad lib from all cast”
Recorded for: Series 2
Yes, no proper writing credit for this one. Clearly shot in the same location as the “Does my bum look big in this?” from Episode 2.5.
(14:45) Mid-Life Crisis: Restaurant
Written by: Whitehouse/Higson
Recorded for: Series 3
(16:04) Jesse’s Fashion Tips: Pastels
Written by: Williams
Recorded for: Series 3
(16:25) Graffiti Man
Written by: Linehan/Mathews
Recorded for: Series 1
Interesting that this one clearly uses the set and characters from the Fat Sweaty Coppers sketches from elsewhere in Series 1. You have to presume that Linehan and Mathews wrote a generic police station originally, and it just made sheer production sense to do it this way.
(17:20) Off-Roaders
Written by: Whitehouse/Higson
Recorded for: Series 2
(18:41) King & Jester
Written by: Whitehouse/Higson
Recorded for: Series 1
(19:31) Ponce in the Garden
Written by: Cummings
Recorded for: Series 3
Delightfully, the existence of Garden Rescue means that this sketch works just as well even if you have absolutely no knowledge of Ground Force.
The Series 3 VHS boxset features a picture of Ponce by himself on the cover, which is hilarious for a one-off character who is on-screen for less than a minute.
(20:25) No Offence: Perfume
Written by: Weir
Recorded for: Series 3
No Offence is by far my favourite regular Weir-written character.
(21:08) Isle of Man
Written by: Whitehouse/Higson/Thomson
Recorded for: Series 1
(21:19) Prole in the Garden
Written by: Whitehouse/Higson
Recorded for: Series 3
Note the change in author of this one; it was Dave Cummings who wrote Ponce, while this is a Whitehouse/Higson sketch.
(22:10) Road Rage
Written by: Williams
Recorded for: Series 3
(22:28) Mid-Life Crisis: Cricket
Written by: Whitehouse/Higson
Recorded for: Series 3
(23:16) Embarrassed Dad: Miriam Stoppard Book
Written by: John Thomson
Recorded for: Series 2
(23:29) Up All Night Shagging: Policeman/Driver
Written by: Whitehouse/Higson
Recorded for: Series 3
My favourite Shagging sketch; Higson’s wonderfully droll “Weaving about all over the road there, weren’t we sir?” is matched only by Whitehouse’s odd stare straight ahead as he winds the window back up. Somebody should give these two a comedy show or something.
(23:47) Get Me Coat
Written by: Whitehouse/Higson
Recorded for: Series 2
For me, one of the less successful sketches of the show. I think “I’ll Get Me Coat” is far funnier when he’s making a normal, boring arse of himself, instead of doing strange things like wearing gimp masks.9
(24:10) Road Rage
Written by: Williams
Recorded for: Series 3
(24:22) Mid-Life Crisis: Pub (1)
Written by: Whitehouse/Higson
Recorded for: Series 3
(25:22) Alcoholic Family
Written by: Whitehouse/Higson
Recorded for: Christmas Special 1996
One of the longest and most striking sketches of this special: Alcoholic Dad and his family deciding to give up the booze for good. And this is where knowing where the sketch originated from really adds extra meaning to it: this is the only sketch in You Ain’t Seen These which was originally shot for the 1996 Christmas Special. And knowing that surely changes how you interpret it; a Christmas broadcast would have really heightened the theme of redemption.
We can only guess as to why such a seemingly major sketch didn’t make it into the Christmas show itself; it’s even missing from the extended commercial release. But I would suggest that the Xmas show already has Chris the Crafty Cockney discovering the true meaning of Christmas. Were they worried that including both would be overkill?
Regardless, it’s lovely to have it here. And Simon’s “I could learn to read” steals the sketch.
(28:09) Mid-Life Crisis: Pub (2)
Written by: Whitehouse/Higson
Recorded for: Series 3
This is it. This is the sketch which gets “the biggest laugh we’ve ever had”, according to Paul Whitehouse. I’ll allow myself the indulgence of including the video for this one. I’m struggling to think of another audience reaction which is so loud it literally distorts.
One of my favourite things to do with this sketch is watch every single person’s reaction. Paul’s horrified face is very funny. So is Paul Shearer’s “You’ve ruined it for all of us” face. Yolande Davis as Kinky is brilliant; it would have been so easy to overplay the disgust or anger, but she pitches it perfectly. And best of all there’s Simon Day, being completely fucking useless, having to hide his corpsing through his fingers.
But here’s the thing which really gets me about this sketch: how the rudest punchline The Fast Show ever had was held back for two years… and finally aired the same night as a lovely little feature about how a schoolteacher got his class into The Fast Show. Now that’s comedy.
(29:22) Road Rage
Written by: Williams
Recorded for: Series 3
A final, sickening yell during the end credits.
* * *
And that’s all anybody would ever need to know about this show, right? Well, maybe it would be, if the gang hadn’t released a version on video a couple of months later… with a full twenty minutes of extra material.
More next time.
With huge thanks to Darrell Maclaine, a man who knows so much about The Fast Show that I must check he isn’t Charlie Higson in disguise at some point.
These links were shot on the 9th August 1999, at Broadley Studios in London. ↩
I’ll never write something proper about this documentary, so: are you up for a list of people who were interviewed for it, but never made the final edit? Leslie Ash, Bryan Ferry, and Dannii Minogue. I kinda want to see what Dannii Minogue had to say about The Fast Show. ↩
The titles, authors and originating series come from the production paperwork. Sometimes the paperwork gives secondary titles identifying the specific sketch; others use the umbrella title only. ↩
These glasses are also worn by Thomson in the That’s Amazing sketch from 2.2. ↩
In fact, more like two years – You Ain’t Seen These was broadcast in September 1999, and Series 3 was broadcast November/December 1997. ↩
Labelled “Cricket” in the paperwork, but this is clearly an error; they’re playing golf here, and cricket in the fourth sketch. ↩
Yes, all three King sketches in the show officially come under the title “King & Jester”, despite the jester only appearing in the first part. The paperwork suggests that it’s “one sketch divided into 3 parts”. ↩
Though it’s worth noting the different post-production picture effect used on both; the sketch in 3.3 has far more pronounced scanlines than the sketch featured in You Ain’t Seen These. The two sketches were clearly shot in the same session – the items on the shelves behind Arthur and Chester are identical – but this indicates that post-production on them were done separately. They probably didn’t bother to do anything with the one in You Ain’t Seen These until it was selected for inclusion. ↩
Oddly enough, a similar problem occurs with one of Absolutely‘s later Nice Family sketches. ↩
8 comments
Imogen on 10 November 2024 @ 2am
The road rage line “Will everybody in the universe please get out of my way?!” has been in my lexicon since first seeing it.
Simon Day was always great for corpsing, but his utter shamelessness at the end of the last mid-life crisis is almost as funny as the line itself. When he takes a sip of his pint at the same time especially.
Very much looking forward to your comments on the Ted and Ralph suit of armour sketch. That’s another I utterly adore.
Lewis Cuthbert on 10 November 2024 @ 12pm
Twenty extra minutes?! I can’t wait to hear about these. (I don’t think I’ve ever seen them… Were they on the DVD version?)
John J. Hoare on 10 November 2024 @ 8pm
Yep, the DVD version is the extended one, and identical to the VHS.
Billy Smart on 10 November 2024 @ 9pm
Something that I hadn’t thought about before is how great the direction of that sketch is. Odd, because its a toolbox of nineties innovations that I normally find counterproductive – dizzy mobile shots, a very short average shot length and intense close-ups. But everything really serves the material here. The circling establishing shot implicates the viewer in the action, making us the fourth man at the bar, while the barrage of close-ups (shot with a handheld camera) both gives the scene an escalating tempo and – crucially – places the viewer’s empathy with Kinky, as these excitable men get closer and we are given an insight into how she might be feeling that they aren’t party to. I also like the fluid movement away to Charlie Higson and young girlfriend in a clinch that caps the scene.
Ten out of ten for imaginative execution.
John J. Hoare on 11 November 2024 @ 1am
The other interesting thing about that is that it’s surely aping various cooler-than-thou 90s dramas… but they were either shot on film, or at least made to *look* as though they were.
So The Fast Show doing it with video throws me a bit at first. It’s a bit uncanny valley. (Having said that, you REALLY wouldn’t want to lose the final sketch actually being done in the studio in front of the audience…)
John V. on 13 November 2024 @ 9pm
Regarding the writing credit for the Ted & Ralph sketch at 1.10, I wonder how many of their sketches were written by Linehan and Matthews and how many by Whitehouse and Higson?
John J. Hoare on 14 November 2024 @ 8am
Yeah, that’s something I’d have to look at at some point. It did develop into something mainly written by them, I think, but exactly when would be nice to know.
Notable that it was Whitehouse and Higson who wrote the Ted and Ralph special in 1998.
John J. Hoare on 14 November 2024 @ 8am
Incidentally, here’s something interesting someone told me on Bluesky: those Mid-Life Crisis sketches were pre-recorded without an audience, and then played in to record the laugh track.
Obviously, the location ones were always going to be done like that, but it surprises me about the studio ones, simply because the audience reaction is SO LOUD on that final sketch. But maybe it shouldn’t surprise me; nearly all of The IT Crowd’s ‘The Work Outing’ was played in rather than done in front of an audience, and that has a HUGE audience reaction.