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You Ain’t Seen All of These… Right?

Published 20th November 2024

TV Comedy

“This is it! It’s THE FAST SHOW as you’ve never seen it before – literally! This special video compilation has sketches you will not have seen on TV featuring all your favourite characters as well as loads of completely new ones, so fresh and raw they don’t even have proper names – Mid-life-Crisis Man, Road Rage Man, Up All Night Shagging Man. Plus the New York Eskimo, Ponce In The Garden, The King, The Over-Sensitive Dad and Danny Klein, a cop like no other cop you’ve ever seen before, because he’s Conventional Cop.”

Back of VHS cover, You Ain’t Seen All of These… Right?

The problem with something like The Fast Show – a programme which for many years has essentially lived on DVD – is that the origins of various things can become a little murky in your brain. Or at the very least, my brain.

So let’s quickly nail down the facts:

  • In 1999, The Fast Show put together a fantastic compilation of previously unseen sketches, titled You Ain’t Seen These… Right? This was broadcast on BBC Two as part of Fast Show Night on the 11th September 1999, in a 30-minute edit.
  • A couple of months later, on the 15th November 1999, it was released on VHS in an extended 50-minute edit, as part of the Series 3 Fast Show boxset.1 This version was called You Ain’t Seen All of These… Right?
  • Finally, this 50-minute edit was also part of the Ultimate Collection DVD boxset, released on the 5th November 2007. Both the VHS and DVD edits are identical.

For my part, I have fond memories of watching the show on the original broadcast on Fast Show Night… but never owned the commercial VHS at all. In 1999, I just couldn’t afford to keep up with every brilliant BBC Video release back then. So the first time I saw the extended edit was on the Ultimate Collection boxset years later, where the 20 minutes of extra material took me by complete surprise, despite the fact that the extended edit was first released eight years earlier.

You know where this is going. Last time, we looked at the 30-minute edit of the show. Let’s take a look now at the 50-minute commercial release. Sadly, I don’t have access to the same kind of production paperwork this time round; the BBC’s commercial releases are generally much harder to research than broadcast material. This means that for the extra sketches, we don’t know the official titles, authors, or even which series they were originally recorded for. Although on that latter question, trying to figure it out from the sketches themselves is half the fun.

Regardless, here is a complete list of every single difference between the broadcast 30-minute edit of the show, and the commercial 50-minute edit. I do find this extra material fascinating, because it was essentially rejected twice; once for the main series, and then again for the broadcast version of You Ain’t Seen These. If any Fast Show material was going to be of questionable quality – at least when it comes to stuff that the public got to see – then the material listed here is going to be it.

All times given are for this 50-minute edit of the show. This version isn’t available online, at least legally and in good quality, but I suspect the crossover between “people who read Dirty Feed” and “people who don’t own The Fast Show Ultimate Collection on DVD” is fairly small.

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  1. It never had a separate release. ↩

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You Ain’t Seen These… Right?

Published 10th November 2024

TV Comedy

NO OFFENCE: Anyway, you’re about to see a show that has been cobbled together using bits of shoddy old material previously thought unworthy for your eyes, but now in a desperate attempt to stuff their schedule with any old tat, the once trustworthy BBC is pretending it’s something really quite exclusive. No offence.

Introduction to You Ain’t Seen These… Right?, The Fast Show Night

On the 11th September 1999 at 9pm, BBC Two broadcast two hours of programming under the title The Fast Show Night. If you can get over the idea of two hours being called a theme night – I always think three is the bare minimum – it really was a splendid collection of shows, and one I remember very fondly from first transmission. I still have my off-air on VHS somewhere.

The evening consisted of the following, all of which ended up on The Ultimate Collection DVD in some form or another:

  • Links from the Fast Show gang, bizarrely shot against a very unflattering grey background.1 One of the highlights comes early on, with Lyndsay of the Off-Roaders yelling “Suits you, sir!” repeatedly.
  • Fast Show Fanatics, three sequences featuring various fans of the series. Thank you Johnny Depp, I heard enough from you back in 1999.
  • The very first episode of The Fast Show. It helps that it’s a pretty good one, with few of the problems often encountered when pulling out the first episode of something for an evening of celebration, and it turns out to be weird and/or actively bad. See: Spitting Image.
  • A 40 minute documentary, Suit You, Sir! The Inside Leg of the Fast Show, which I’ve always really enjoyed, especially the baiting of Harry Enfield.2
  • And finally, our topic for today: You Ain’t Seen These… Right?, a 30-minute compilation of previously unseen sketches from across the first three series.

It’s become a cliche to say that the offcuts of some programmes are better than what other shows deem their best material. It’s a cliche which I’m afraid I can’t shatter here. The material in You Ain’t Seen These… Right? is well up to scratch, with some brilliant sketches included, and one moment which is a serious contender for the very funniest moment in the whole of The Fast Show. It’s so good, in fact, that it deserves a closer look.

What follows then, is a list of all the sketches in the show, including their proper titles, authors, and crucially, which series they were originally shot for, which is the bit I find most interesting.3. The 30-minute broadcast edit of the show is available on iPlayer, and is the version we’re dealing with here, so feel free to watch along.

You can insert the Off-Roaders catchphrase here if you like. I can’t quite bring myself to.

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  1. These links were shot on the 9th August 1999, at Broadley Studios in London. ↩

  2. I’ll never write something proper about this documentary, so: are you up for a list of people who were interviewed for it, but never made the final edit? Leslie Ash, Bryan Ferry, and Dannii Minogue. I kinda want to see what Dannii Minogue had to say about The Fast Show. ↩

  3. The titles, authors and originating series come from the production paperwork. Sometimes the paperwork gives secondary titles identifying the specific sketch; others use the umbrella title only. ↩

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An Extremely Important Point About The Fast Show

Published 5th November 2024

Meta / TV Comedy

I am currently in the middle of writing about the previously unseen sketches from The Fast Show which featured on Fast Show Night. The only surprising thing about the above sentence is that I haven’t got round to it before now. You can plug all my obsessions into a spreadsheet, and the above article pops out like magic.

But before it’s published, I have to make a decision. What do I call the programme?

The Radio Times capsule from the 11th September 1999 gives the following title:

Radio Times capsule for the show, featuring: You Ain't Seen These, Right?

You Ain’t Seen These, Right? Brilliant, I’ll go with that. Still, I’d best just check that article they point to on Page 7…

Radio Times article, featuring: You Ain't Seen These Right!

You Ain’t Seen These Right! Hmmm, OK. Best check what the actual programme has:

Grab from the programme title card, featuring: You Ain't Seen These... Right?

The line under the programme name is mildly irritating, but the above is clearly meant to be You Ain’t Seen These… Right? Three different ways of punctuating the show. What to do?

Maybe the production paperwork for the programme confirms which of the three it should be:

The production paperwork, featuring: You Ain't Seen These. Right?

Yes, that is a full-stop. You Ain’t Seen These. Right? Sigh. Make that four.

In the end, I’ve decided to go for You Ain’t Seen These… Right? When I worked in BBC pres, in cases like these when there was inconsistency, we’d often plump for what was actually on the programme’s title card. Moreover, the extended commercial video edit of the programme, called You Ain’t Seen All of These… Right?, is not only punctuated like that on the title card:

Grab from the programme title card, featuring: You Ain't Seen All of These... Right?

But also has that name on the box:

Photo of the VHS case, featuring: You Ain't Seen All Of These... Right?

Look, if nobody in 1999 was going to be consistent, THEN FINE, I’LL DO THE DONKEYWORK.

Just nobody mention that the ellipsis has four dots on the videocassette itself. I have a headache.

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Fun With Daisy and Onslow

Published 23rd October 2024

TV Comedy

When you’re a Red Dwarf fan, it’s easy to forget how spoilt you are. The DVDs bombard you with deleted scenes and unused material. Want an early version of the opening episode, featuring an entirely different introduction to The Cat? The DVDs have you covered.

Sadly, Red Dwarf is an outlier; a rare example of a series which started in 1988 which still had a production office at the time of the DVD revolution. Moreover, it was understood that there was a large geek audience who would lap this kind of thing up. The chance to see this kind of material for programmes of Red Dwarf‘s vintage on an official release is rare, especially when it comes to audience sitcom. Sometimes, you have to rely on other means.

Or, just occasionally… mistakes.

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Onslow’s Telly Redux

Published 3rd October 2024

TV Comedy

Over the past few days, I’ve been posting lots of interesting facts about exactly what’s on Onslow’s telly in Keeping Up Appearances. If I was somebody sensible, I would pretend I had now tracked down every last piece of information about the topic. By poking it any more, all I risk is inducing boredom and confusion, even among the hardcore readers of this site.

However, as previously established for the past 15 years here, I am not sensible. In some episodes, I couldn’t quite figure out exactly what Onslow was watching. And I feel duty-bound to document it.

So, stand by to be bored and confused.

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Onslow’s Sporting Moments

Published 30th September 2024

TV Comedy

Last time in our look at Keeping Up Appearances, we saw Harold Snoad making a load of fake films for Onslow’s telly. But Onslow doesn’t just enjoy watching the offcuts of Snoad’s location shoots. He also likes a bit of sport. Real, actual clips of motor racing and horse racing, not fake stuff.

But we get a little more specific than than that, surely?

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“Specially Shot for Onslow’s Telly”

Published 29th September 2024

TV Comedy

DAISY: There was a time when you used to chase me all over the house.
ONSLOW: That was before we got colour, wasn’t it.

— Keeping Up Appearances, “The Art Exhibition”, TX: 11/10/92

Here on Dirty Feed, we like to answer people’s burning questions about television occasionally. So let’s look at two related queries1 from friend of the site Rob Keeley, who wants to know the following about Keeping Up Appearances:

  1. What’s the scary movie Onslow’s always watching, and
  2. What movie is in the QE2’s cinema in the “Sea Fever” special?

I can answer these questions… but it gets complicated. Strap yourself in. Here is each and every film which Onslow watches from the comfort of his armchair. The lazy bastard.

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  1. Yes, from two years ago. I never said we like to answer people’s burning questions about television quickly. ↩

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Unsolved Fawlty Towers Mystery #1834793

Published 10th September 2024

TV Comedy

What’s the most oft-told tale of a Fawlty Towers recording session going a little wrong?

The answer is surely the famous anecdote concerning “The Builders”.1 John Cleese has told the tale many times, with varying levels of insults directed at Icelanders. Let’s go for the version in the interview on the original 2001 DVD release:

“The second show that we did, which was about the builders, was performed almost entirely to complete silence, and it was not a very comfortable experience. Afterwards, I was a bit disturbed, and people said “No no, it was a funny show.” Actually, I think it’s the least good of the twelve shows, but they said “No, it was fine, it was funny”. I said “What about the audience?”, and they said “We don’t know…”

We found out later that a large number of people from the Icelandic Broadcasting Corporation had visited the BBC that day, and the BBC were always helpful to shows like mine. And they thought wouldn’t it be nice if they put all 70 of them in the front row. And they sat there being very pleasant and charming and Icelandic, and not laughing at all. Just this faint whiff of cod coming from the front row… which had we recognised, might have given us the explanation. And I’ve got to say it was a pretty tough recording, and it needed quite a lot of editing to tighten it up.”

The audience reaction to “The Builders” isn’t quite as bad as Cleese paints above, but it is fairly muted. As this was the first episode recorded after the pilot a few months previously, it’s understandable that Cleese would be particularly worried by the audience reaction here. He must have been wondering whether the show as a whole actually worked or not.

Regardless of all that, the above is a nice, safe tale to tell. The only people who come across badly are the BBC tickets unit, a safe target who can’t really answer back. And who cares if you’re mildly racist about the Icelandic? None of it is as dangerous as, say, slagging off one of your fellow actors.

John Cleese knows this. Because when he did such a thing, many years ago, he deliberately omitted the name of the person he was slagging off. Take a look at this interview in the Sunday Sun, on the 13th May 1979, about a month and a half after Series 2 of Fawlty Towers had come to a premature halt.2 While discussing the process of making the show:

The tension can affect everybody: one actor, says John, suddenly changed his performance at the filming stage. “I was tired and started fluffing… and, oh, the whole show was less good than it should have been.”

Sadly, Cleese gives no more details. I’m also not aware of him ever mentioning this again; not even on his absurdly detailed DVD commentaries from 2009. Who was it who screwed Cleese over by changing their performance during a recording?

I have no idea. Anyone?

  1. Episode recorded 3rd August 1975, and transmitted on the 26th September 1975. ↩

  2. Due to strike action, “Basil the Rat” missed its recording window, and ended up being shown months after the rest of the series. I’ll be writing more about this at some point. ↩

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“And What About the Vegetables?”

Published 30th August 2024

TV Comedy

I have to be honest, I didn’t exactly have a rule against embedding GB News material on here. I didn’t think I really needed one. What was the likelihood that I’d ever have cause to do it?

Unfortunately, back on the 18th March 2024, something happened which forces me to briefly acknowledge the channel’s existence. Piers Pottinger, public-affairs consultant and former advisor to Margaret Thatcher, makes a bit of a twat of himself:

As was widely reported at the time, Pottinger seems to be confusing reality with a famous Spitting Image sketch. But rather than judge the entire thing from a 19 second Twitter video, you can see the whole contribution from him below. It starts from 37:38 in, with the anecdote itself at 44:36:

Just for the record – and in case either of the above videos disappear at any point – here is a transcript of the relevant section:

PIERS POTTINGER: I mean, there was a famous time when she was having dinner with her cabinet in the Ritz, and they were taking the order for the main course, and they all ordered beef or lamb or fish, and the waiter said to Margaret “And the vegetables?” She said “They’ll have the same as me.”
ANDREW PIERCE: I don’t know if that story’s true, but it’s a lovely story.
PIERS POTTINGER: Well I like to think it’s true.
ANDREW PIERCE: Certainly apocryphal. Certainly apocryphal.

“Apocryphal” is one way of putting it, yes. Maybe it’s just too much to expect Andrew Pierce to be able to quote chapter and verse when it comes to famous Spitting Image sketches. To be fair, when it comes to the reporting of all this, vanishingly few people could identify the actual episode of Spitting Image in question. Most contented themselves with linking to a blurry YouTube video of the sketch with no date attached, in the wrong aspect ratio.

So our first point of order is to correct that. The sketch which Pottinger mistakenly presents as a true story appeared right at the very end of Series 2, Episode 3, broadcast on the 20th January 1985; the traditional place for putting a great sketch to leave the audience wanting more. So after a rousing rendition of “Robson’s Glory Boys”1, we get the following:

Very droll, Minister. But here’s the thing: the above joke is most certainly not original to Spitting Image.

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  1. Yes we’ll go go go
    All the way to Mexico
    And we’ll stay stay stay
    ‘Til the second game we play
    Then we’ll fly fly fly
    Back to London by July
    We don’t expect you’ll thank us
    ‘Cos we’re all Bobby’s bankers
    A load of petrol tankers
    We’re Robson’s Glory Boys! ↩

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