Dirty Feed

“I Didn’t Know You Were Allowed to Say Wanker on Television!”

Published 24th January 2021

Recently, I wrote this ridiculous article about The Young Ones episode “Cash”. So while we’re on the subject, here is something else about the episode which has bugged me for years.

To recap: in order to earn some bread, the gang decide to send Neil to the Army Careers Information Office. In no short order, he is flung right back out onto the pavement.

NEIL: I only said I was a pacifist.

And as the gang help Neil to his feet again, there is a very peculiar edit. The following are two consecutive frames from this moment in the episode:

The gang outside the Army Careers Information Office

The gang still outside the Army Careers Information Office, at a slightly different angle

Everyone has changed position; most obviously Planer, who suddenly has his hands in his pockets. Clearly, something was cut at this point. But what?

Unlike our previous investigation, the raw footage is of no help to us here; no location material is present on that tape. Nor does the paperwork I personally have access to shed any light. But the answer is out there, if you look hard enough.

And I honestly think the cut moment could have gone down in history as one of those TV moments a whole generation remembers.

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best of, the young ones

Better Than Reality

Published 20th January 2021

TV Comedy

“I alter people’s perception of reality.” – Dr. Hypnosis

One recurring theme in Red Dwarf has always been the rather tenuous grip on real life the crew have. Whether it’s the Total Immersion Videogame of “Better Than Life”, the hallucinations suffered in “Back to Reality”, those damn reality pockets in “Out of Time” – to name three of many – people’s perception of reality is something which Grant Naylor return to time and time again.

What’s interesting, however, is that Red Dwarf is far from the first time Grant Naylor have explored this idea. In fact, we can trace their fascination with it right back to their very first solo writing credit: the first episode of Radio 4 sketch show Cliché, broadcast on the 16th March 1981. Though unlike Red Dwarf, it isn’t framed in terms of science fiction.

I present to you the strange adventure of Dr. Hypnosis: his real name… Dr. Hypnosis.

Download “Cliché – Dr. Hypnosis”

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best of, originally on G&T, red dwarf

I’ll Tell You a Story…

Published 15th January 2021

TV Comedy

Today, we’re going to answer a huge burning question about The Young Ones. No, nothing to do with flash frames, or hidden fifth housemates. This is the really important stuff.

Exactly what is the farty neighbour watching on her television in “Cash”, just before she switches over to Andy De La Tour doing a public information film?

The television with a mystery cartoon on

Squinting at it, it seems impossible to tell. Some kind of drawing of a car? Unless it’s some well-known cartoon, or mentioned in the paperwork for rights reasons, or specified in the script, how could we ever figure it out?

Spoiler: it’s not a well-known cartoon, or mentioned on the paperwork for rights reasons, or specified in the script. We have only our wits to go on here.

Well… wits, and a certain video of Young Ones raw studio footage, sitting patiently on YouTube. I wrote recently about the section of this video containing material for the episode “Nasty”, but the second half of the video is entirely dedicated to “Cash”. And crucially, it includes the entire recording session for this scene.

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best of, the young ones

Hello.

Published 14th January 2021

Dirty Feed: Best of 2020

Published 30th December 2020

Meta

2015 • 2016 • 2017 • 2018 • 2019 • 2020 • 2021 • 2022 • 2023 • 2024

Me, Dirty Feed: Best of 2017:

“Look, I can’t pretend the last year has been much fun. It doesn’t even seem to have been much fun for all the various fuckweasels around the world considering their general mood, let alone if you’re the kind of good and decent person who appreciates in-depth articles about sitcom edits.

But that’s no reason why you can’t grab a cup of tea, stick your head in the sand for an hour, and read some of the best stuff I’ve published here over the last 12 months.”

Me, right now: can it be 2017 again, please?

Oh well. This year has been a nightmare, but over here, we’re more concerned about Knightmare. While the world has been howling outside, I managed to find the time to do some fun stuff. In fact, for the first year ever on here, I can pick out something I wrote each month which I actually like.

Let’s get to it. And if you care about the future of this site – and if you’re reading this, I presume that you do – then don’t miss the end for an IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT which is IMPORTANT, and not BORING like you think it is.

* * *

“Two dead, twenty-five to go…”
To start the year off, a little look at how a moment from Fawlty Towers first showed up in another sitcom a full decade earlier. I love tracing the origin of jokes like this, and I don’t think anybody has ever linked this example together before.

A Weekly Look at the World of Science and Technology
A mystery about Series 2 of Look Around You, finally solved after 15 years. This is what happens when my mind just doesn’t let go of something.

An Exceptionally Important Piece of Analysis About Blackadder Goes Forth
1,856 words about set reuse in Blackadder Goes Forth. Loads of people really liked this piece, which I would suggest is what happens when a country enters lockdown and goes a bit loopy.

Diane Chambers, with a cut character in the background

Here’s to You, Mrs. Littlefield
By far the most popular thing I wrote all year, looking at a cut character from the pilot of Cheers. It even got picked up by The Independent, which is as much a testament to the ongoing popularity of Cheers as anything.

“Feeling Poorly Again, Are You?”
This year, I’ve written a lot about my memories of TV as a kid. This can stand in for all of them; a touching moment between me and my father, about a scene featuring sexual frustration and extreme violence.

The Young Ones Music Guide: Series 1
For years, I’ve wanted to make a soundtrack for The Young Ones, in a similar vein to this one for I’m Alan Partridge. I didn’t manage that this year, but the research for it resulted in this piece: a list of (nearly) every single piece of music used in Series 1 of the show. See also: Series 2.

Condition: Red
Probably the most personal piece I wrote all year, about a terrifying image from my childhood. This article has floated around my head for decades, so I’m pleased to finally get it down. It’s probably my favourite thing I wrote all year. Which is good, because if I’d thought about it for that long and then it sucked, that’d be really annoying.

The Dull Religious Music Programme
Ever wondered how difficult it can be to research obscure parts of TV comedy history? Wonder no more. This is why I don’t write enough; because of rabbit-holes like this.

Rescuing Bladedancer, or: The Fall and Rise of a BBC Micro Enthusiast
A very atypical piece for this site, about how I helped with the preservation of a long lost BBC Micro game from 1992. This is the thing I’ve been involved with this year that I’m proudest of.

Lister in the bunkroom watching Rimmer's death video

Arnold J. Rimmer, BSc, SSc
OK, so I said at the beginning of the year I wasn’t going to do any proper writing about Red Dwarf for a while. I lasted ten months. Could have been worse. This is a good one, though, tracing an important part of the show’s mythology back to its origin.

“Faulty? What’s Wrong with Him?”
A strange tale about a Fawlty Towers misquote, and how it spread across the internet. I love that I managed to figure out 95% of the story… but sadly, not the last 5%. There’s still time to answer my email, Mr. Metro Man. There’s still time.

A Day in the Life of The Young Ones: 6th February 1984
And to round the year off, yet more bollocks about The Young Ones, taking a look at the recording of the episode “Nasty”. This was another of those pieces that I thought might get just four readers, so it was a surprise to me that it ended up one of the most popular pieces I wrote all year. You are all absurd. Thanks.

* * *

And if you’re aching for more, here’s a few other things I wrote this year that I think turned out well: memories of a terrifying film, an unfortunate echo of Paul Daniels, tracing the library music in a classic Trev & Simon sketch, a brand new fact about Father Ted, how Doctor on the Go broke the fourth wall, and failed futures in Red Dwarf.

It seems frankly tasteless to say it, but this year has been a good one for Dirty Feed. Leaving Ganymede & Titan at the start of year gave me more time to work on the site than ever before, and lockdown meant a fair few people have been starved of entertainment. The result: I’ve written more stuff on here than in any other year of the site’s existence, and it’s also been by far the most popular year the site has ever had too.¹ As ever, thanks to everyone who has read, liked, and shared my stuff over the past year. I really do appreciate it. Hopefully, I at least managed to take your mind off things for a while.

But with all of that, comes a problem. I love writing things here, but I think it’s obvious that the research for some of these pieces is an absolute bastard. Most of the best stuff on Dirty Feed isn’t tossed off in an afternoon. The danger is that this place becomes a treadmill; that I spend so long researching and writing my usual kind of articles, that I never try anything new again. And much as I enjoy writing ridiculous things about sitcoms, I really am itching to try something new.

Which leads us to the big² announcement.

From the beginning of 2021, Dirty Feed is going on hiatus, for the first time in the 11 years I’ve been publishing it. How long for, I don’t actually know yet; it depends what happens over the next few months. But for a while, I need to try something different. I’ll be working on a few projects behind-the-scenes, and hopefully some of them will be published here eventually, but don’t expect anything new on the site for quite a while. Those of you waiting for my THRILLING EXPOSÉ about how material from an unbroadcast Grant Naylor radio pilot ended up in an episode of Alas Smith and Jones are going to have to wait for a bit.

Thanks again to everyone who has been nice about the site in the past year, and let’s hope 2021 is better for all of us. For now though…

Harold Steptoe kissing a BIRD in his CAR, from the last episode of Steptoe and Son

Nearly twice the number of hits as the previous best year, 2015. ↩
Small. ↩

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end of year review

I Hate Doing Research.

Published 28th December 2020

Meta / TV Comedy / TV Drama

It’s January 1999, and Ronald D. Moore – writer/producer on Star Trek: Deep Space 9 – is chatting on AOL, answering fan questions about the show.

One particular question catches my eye. You don’t need to know the actual storyline, or have watched any of the episodes – that isn’t the important bit here.

Ron, I read on the boards that there was a scene in “To the Death” in which Weyoun somehow slipped Odo some virus that eventually resulted in his having to return to the Link in “Broken Link.” I read that this ended up on the cutting room floor. Is this true or just a wild rumor?

It’s just a rumor.

Now, one delightful thing about DS9 is that – unlike most TV shows – every single script is available for us to read. Not a boring transcript. The actual script, as used in production, including cut material, and the scene descriptions. Which means we can check and see if Moore is correct in this instance.

So, in the script for “To The Death”, we can read the following¹:

Weyoun looks at Odo for a beat, then gives him a good-natured clap on the shoulder. (In case anyone’s interested, when he touches Odo, Weyoun is purposely infecting Odo with the disease that almost kills him in “BROKEN LINK.”)

WEYOUN: Then it’s over. After all, you’re a Founder. I live to serve you.

And with that, Weyoun steps back into his quarters.

True, this scene didn’t end up on the “cutting room floor” – it’s in the episode as broadcast, just without the physical act of Weyoun clapping Odo on the shoulder. But the main thrust of how most people would interpret Moore’s response – that the episode never intended to contain Weyoun infecting Odo – is incorrect.

I very much doubt it was a deliberate lie. There’s certainly no obvious reason to try and hide anything. Moore almost certainly just forgot. That’s what happens when making TV shows; you can’t remember everything, there’s far too much important stuff jostling for position in your head. It’s completely understandable.

Still, the moral is clear. Don’t trust people’s recollections. Always trust the paperwork.

* * *

It’s 2020, and I have decided to trace every single piece of music used in The Young Ones, for some godforsaken reason. But not to worry. I have some production paperwork to help me out, which should list every track cleared for use in the show.

So let’s take a look at part of the sheet for the episode “Summer Holiday”:

Ah, “Tension Background”. Wonder what that was used for? Let’s take a listen, I’m sure all will become obvious.

Oh. That literally doesn’t appear anywhere in the episode at all. Brilliant.

To cut a long, tedious story short: the paperwork is wrong. Not entirely wrong; a track from the Conroy library album Drama – Tension is actually used in the episode. But the cut used is Track 3, “Chase Sequence”, not Track 15, “Tension Background”.

And that piece of detective work means that we can enjoy the full version of the music used when Neil goes all Incredible Hulk:

So, the moral is clear. Never trust the paperwork.

* * *

Have I mentioned that I hate doing research?

Reformatted here for readability. ↩

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i hate doing research, star trek, the young ones

A Day in the Life of The Young Ones:
6th February 1984

Published 19th December 2020

TV Comedy

The Young Ones logo

It’s the 6th February 1984 in studio TC4, and Rik Mayall is having a circular saw aimed at his knackers.

I write a lot about comedy on here. Sometimes I write some very silly things about comedy indeed. Take, for instance, this analysis of one of the main sets in Blackadder Goes Forth, and how it showed up in various forms throughout the series. You have to have a certain kind of mind to find that interesting, and admittedly, part of it is a pure puzzle box mentality: “What bit goes where?”

But there is also something a little deeper going on there. For all the careful explanations of what writers were hoping to achieve with their work – which for the avoidance of doubt, is something I’m also extremely interested in – what I really want to be able to do is transport myself back, and be present in the room where the comedy was actually made. I get obsessed with wanting to know how a room felt, either in the writing, or in the shooting. Trying to figure out what piece of wood went where while recording a sitcom is an attempt at nothing less than time travel, however ludicrous that sounds.

Which is where your good old fashioned studio recording tapes come in. Whether it’s just clips in documentaries, longer extracts released as DVD extras, or bootlegs passed quietly around as though we’re all crack dealers, there’s nothing quite seeing the raw footage of how a show is made to get a sense of how things felt. An incomplete sense, of course. Nothing can quite replace a real time machine. But it’s something.

All of which preamble is leading up to this glorious video on YouTube. Two hours of raw studio recordings of The Young Ones, precisely none of which is officially sanctioned for release, and precisely all of which is fascinating.

Let’s be very clear about what the above footage represents. Each episode of The Young Ones – unusually for a sitcom of the era – had two days in the studio. These consisted of a pre-record day for the complicated technical bits, without an audience, followed by an audience record the very next day. The above footage is the bulk of the pre-record days for the episodes “Nasty” and “Cash”. The fact that these are the pre-record days explains the lack of audience laughter on the footage, something a few people in the YouTube comments are a little confused by. An edited version of this material would have been shown to the audience the next day on the studio monitors, along with recording the rest of the show in front of them, in order to get the laughs.

Not that what we are seeing is the edited footage that the audience would have seen, either. This is the complete – or near-complete – recording of the day, featuring multiple takes of the material. In short: this really is as close as we can get to skulking around in the studio for the day, silently watching as the team shoot one of the best sitcoms ever made. We even know exactly when everything occurs; the timecode at the bottom of the screen is literally the time of the recording.

There is no substitute for simply watching the video embedded above. But I thought it might be useful to write some notes to go alongside it. Here then, are some observations on the first half of the video, covering the pre-record day for “Nasty”. In particular, I’ve tried to identify any part of the script which don’t make it into the final edit, along with which of the multiple takes were actually used in the finished show.

Enjoy.

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best of, the young ones

New York by Design

Published 9th December 2020

Film / Other TV

Khoi Vinh, “Movies Watched, 2017”, January 2018:

“That beats my 2016 total by five and averages out to just under sixteen a month, a pace I credit to my continued adherence to a largely television-free diet. I’m going into my third year doing this now and I don’t miss TV much at all, especially as eschewing it has afforded me the time to watch and re-watch so many great or obscure or fondly remembered movies that I’d never be able to otherwise. Television is a waste of time, people.”

Khoi Vinh, “New York Design and Me on Television”, December 2020:

“Two things that you don’t normally see on television very often are now on television: design and yours truly. The new series “New York by Design” (which follows last summer’s “California by Design“) is five episodes of stories about all kinds of design innovation: architecture, industrial design, consumer products, electronics, software and UX, and more. As it happens, I appear on the show as a presenter and a judge […]

The show airs Saturday evenings on CBS Channel 2 New York and the full season will stream on Amazon Prime next February.”

I don’t know, sounds like a waste of time to me.

“Broadcast on all known frequencies, and in all known languages…”

Published 8th December 2020

TV Comedy

I really need to get back to watching Orange is the New Black, you know. I got bogged down at the end of Season 4. Is she gonna shoot him? Is she? IS SHE?

So in order to get back on track, recently I… erm, watched an old IBA Engineering Announcement from 1990 instead.

I feel I’m supposed to be nostalgic for the Engineering Announcements – those hidden, weekly 10 minute programmes on your local ITV station, giving the trade all the latest news and transmitter information. I’m supposed to say that I watched them through my childhood, that they got me interested in how telly works, and are responsible for me working in the industry today. Truth be told, I don’t think I ever actually saw one as a kid. If I did, it left no impression on me whatsoever. I was rather more interested in Central Television idents instead. (Well, I had to show my TV geek credentials at that age somehow.)

Which means that watching them online now is a faintly bizarre experience. Broadcasting ephemera that I feel I should have seen, but never did. For example, take this one, broadcast on Tuesday 26th April 1990, at 5:45am. I would have been eight years old. Why didn’t I just get up early? I didn’t need sleep at that age, surely?

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red dwarf, red dwarf sets

Having a Breakdown

Published 5th December 2020

TV Presentation

I’m sitting in the control room of one of the most important television channels in the country, and something is about to go very wrong.

The next programme is live, you see. And live programmes take a fair amount of setting up. I need to know what lines the programme is going to come in on, so I can cut to the right source. I need to know which talkback circuit the production uses, so I can talk to them. Then I need to call the PA, and go through all the necessary details: what time they’re on air, what time they’re off air, who is presenting, how the programme starts, how the programme ends, do a clock check… all the usual stuff. This can all take a fair bit of time. For safety, I really should have contact with the production at least 20 minutes before air, and preferably longer than that.

But I’ve forgotten about it. Just too busy chatting to my announcer. And suddenly, it’s three minutes to go on the current programme, and I realise: I have done nothing.

I frantically jab at the talkback panel in front of me, in a desperate attempt to contact an engineer to get the lines. A voice barks out in reply. But for some reason, I can’t understand what they’re saying. The English language is suddenly a mystery to me. I turn to the routing panel next to me. Maybe I can guess the lines, get the talkback up, save the situation. I do a bit more frantic jabbing.

The panel crashes.

The world clouds around me. The countdown on the monitor wall in front of me ticks down, faster and faster. I’m running out of time, I can’t rescue this, I’m going to fall off air, purely because of my own stupidity. How did I lose track of time so badly? My entire life has collapsed.

And then, of course, I wake up.

* * *

The above has never, ever actually happened to me. Forgetting to talk to a live production isn’t really the kind of error you can easily make in transmission. But it’s a recurring nightmare of mine. I’ve lost count of the times that I’ve had it.

And it’s not just me. Practically anybody who works in live TV has their own version of this nightmare. Thousands of brains across the country, betraying their owners. As though the job wasn’t stressful enough.

Bastards.

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