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Abandoned.

Life / Meta

I started writing an article last week. It was going to be a good one. Somebody was going to get a thoroughly deserved slagging off. I don’t write many of those kind of pieces these days, so it was high time I really put somebody in their place.

Just to be sure, I did a little research first, in order to check I wasn’t being an idiot. And it fairly quickly became clear that while I did have some semblance of a point… so did they. The issue was rather more complex than it first appeared. In the end, I abandoned the piece entirely; the research needed to make it worth publishing was best spent on other things, although I might return to the topic at some point.

Which is fine. I’m not expecting any medals for a basic level of truthfulness and competence. Still, it seems a lesson worth noting publicly. If you never find yourself abandoning a position because it was fundamentally misguided, then you’re probably doing something wrong.

If you’re confident that your gut instinct and personal ideologies are always correct… they probably aren’t, you know.

*   *   *

One of the other blogs I follow has just posted something titled “Believing in Yourself”.

I never was very good at inspirational writing.

Not In My Paper

Film

MAYOR BUMBLE: I do feel that Councillor Fiddler has a point there, considering our very high seasonal rainfall figure.
PRODWORTHY: Oooh really, Mr Mayor? Personally, I think it is quite an average one.
FIDDLER: If you think nine inches is an average one, you’ve been spoilt.

I’ve always had rather an, erm, soft spot for Carry On Girls. When I was younger, it was because I fancied Margaret Nolan. Now I’m older, it’s because I really fancy Margaret Nolan.

Nonetheless, one thing which struck me on my recent watch is how successfully the film manages to have its cake and eat it. Sure, Sidney Fiddler and Hope Springs make a successful getaway, and their grinning faces are the final thing we see in the film, but don’t forget that Operation Spoilsport was also a success; the feminists get their own victory too. Even Connie Philpotts manages to get her money. Everybody wins, in some form or another, and that’s one of the things which gives the film its charm.1

But as ever, we’re not here to discuss the film properly in any sensible way. What interests me today is the following sequence of newspaper headlines, after the filming of the news report descends into chaos:

You know where this is going. Which real newspapers did the production use in order to make the three props for the above scene?

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  1. Thought experiment: imagine a version of the film where Sid foils the feminists, in the same way that he does with the hippies at the end of Carry on Camping. It would add a deeply unpleasant note to the film, and render it almost unwatchable. 

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“And What About the Vegetables?”

TV Comedy

I have to be honest, I didn’t exactly have a rule against embedding GB News material on here. I didn’t think I really needed one. What was the likelihood that I’d ever have cause to do it?

Unfortunately, back on the 18th March 2024, something happened which forces me to briefly acknowledge the channel’s existence. Piers Pottinger, public-affairs consultant and former advisor to Margaret Thatcher, makes a bit of a twat of himself:

As was widely reported at the time, Pottinger seems to be confusing reality with a famous Spitting Image sketch. But rather than judge the entire thing from a 19 second Twitter video, you can see the whole contribution from him below. It starts from 37:38 in, with the anecdote itself at 44:36:

Just for the record – and in case either of the above videos disappear at any point – here is a transcript of the relevant section:

PIERS POTTINGER: I mean, there was a famous time when she was having dinner with her cabinet in the Ritz, and they were taking the order for the main course, and they all ordered beef or lamb or fish, and the waiter said to Margaret “And the vegetables?” She said “They’ll have the same as me.”
ANDREW PIERCE: I don’t know if that story’s true, but it’s a lovely story.
PIERS POTTINGER: Well I like to think it’s true.
ANDREW PIERCE: Certainly apocryphal. Certainly apocryphal.

“Apocryphal” is one way of putting it, yes. Maybe it’s just too much to expect Andrew Pierce to be able to quote chapter and verse when it comes to famous Spitting Image sketches. To be fair, when it comes to the reporting of all this, vanishingly few people could identify the actual episode of Spitting Image in question. Most contented themselves with linking to a blurry YouTube video of the sketch with no date attached, in the wrong aspect ratio.

So our first point of order is to correct that. The sketch which Pottinger mistakenly presents as a true story appeared right at the very end of Series 2, Episode 3, broadcast on the 20th January 1985; the traditional place for putting a great sketch to leave the audience wanting more. So after a rousing rendition of “Robson’s Glory Boys”1, we get the following:

Very droll, Minister. But here’s the thing: the above joke is most certainly not original to Spitting Image.

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  1. Yes we’ll go go go
    All the way to Mexico
    And we’ll stay stay stay
    ‘Til the second game we play
    Then we’ll fly fly fly
    Back to London by July
    We don’t expect you’ll thank us
    ‘Cos we’re all Bobby’s bankers
    A load of petrol tankers
    We’re Robson’s Glory Boys! 

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!Lander

Computing

There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who, when they retire or otherwise change careers, want to entirely forget about the kind of work they used to do. Then there are the ones who take the chance to do more of it, but on their own terms this time round. (I guess there is also a third type who are somewhere between the two, but please don’t spoil my slightly-stretched rhetoric.)

Mark Moxon is definitely in the second category. I first heard the name back when he edited Acorn User in the 90s, when I was an avid reader. But these days, instead of editing Acorn magazines, he’s doing deep dives into old Acorn games instead. And when I say deep dives, I mean really deep dives. Mark calls himself a software archaeologist, and I can think of no better description for what he does.

Moreover, the games Mark looks at are true classics, by any interpretation of that description, and not just within the context of the BBC Micro. Games such as:

  • Elite (1984) – David Braben and Ian Bell’s masterwork, and one of the few games where the word “iconic” can be applied without shame.
  • Aviator (1983) – Geoff Crammond’s flight simulator, with a ludicrously sophisticated flight model for the time.
  • Revs (1985) – Geoff Crammond again, this time with a racing simulator. In fact, widely regarded as the very first proper racing sim.

Mark’s latest deep dive, however, is a step away from the BBC Micro, and into the world of the Acorn Archimedes. We’re talking about Lander (1987), the demo bundled with the Archie, written by David Braben. This eventually became the game Zarch, ported to other platforms as Virus. But there’s a very specific reason why Lander in particular is so important.

Lander gameplay, a craft flying over a landscape made of squares

A different screenshot of Lander, showing a different coloured landscape

As Mark says:

“Braben famously wrote Lander in around two months, starting his work on an ARM1-based ARM Evaluation System that was hooked up to a BBC Micro as a second processor, before getting his hands on a prototype Archimedes A500 in early 1987. As a result the code feels almost minimalistic. There’s practically no cruft, there’s no hard-to-follow code that’s been twisted for efficiency’s sake, and instead there’s the landscape and the player and the particle system and the mouse-based controls… and not a great deal else. It’s very zen, not least because the ARM1 instruction set that Braben ended up using is, by design, simplicity itself; there are no MUL instructions anywhere in Lander, as the latter only appeared on the ARM2 in the A500, so this is not only the first ARM game ever written, it’s quite possibly the only game ever written for the first version of the ARM chip. Given how the ARM processor powers an awful lot of the modern world, that’s quite something.”

The very first game written for the very first iteration of the chip which almost certainly powers your mobile phone. That’s your important historical shit, right there.

As for Lander itself, you can play it in your web browser here. I’ve often talked about my uncomfortableness with the word “dated”, but even I have to admit that early 3D games tend to fit that description more than a lot of things. But I tend to think Lander still looks beautiful. Maybe because the landscape itself, made up as it is of huge squares, evokes a sense of pixel art regardless.

Or maybe it’s just the mouldy old Acorn fan in me talking.

Light-Hearted & Fun

Music / Other TV / TV Comedy

One of the great things about library music is the unexpected links it can create across some of my favourite comedy.

For instance, take the Carlin release Light-Hearted & Fun from 1989.1 Every single track on that album was written by Andrew J. Hall. So, there’s the vaguely terrifying “Clowns”:

Which was, of course, used in Alexei Sayle’s Stuff and Monsieur Aubergine, first broadcast on the 3rd October 1991:

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  1. The Warners site gives the release date as 1990, but every other source I’ve seen says 1989. 

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1996.

TV Comedy

I don’t usually spend my time whinging about current television on Dirty Feed. I don’t find it much fun to write, and this is supposed to be a pleasant hobby. I’ll write about the stuff that depresses me if somebody wants to pay for it.

But today, I randomly found myself researching material broadcast on the 16th February 1996. Not a special date, particularly. And I realised on that night on BBC2, you got:

  • The first episode of Series 2 of The Fast Show,
  • The first episode of Series 2 of Fist of Fun, and
  • Series 2 Episode 8 of Fantasy Football League.

And it strikes me that you don’t need to be the most miserable person in the world, or hate all of pop culture in 2024, or even to love all three shows listed above, to suggest that we’ve lost something. The reasons for that are long and complex, and could fill thousands of words.

But stuff the reasons. Sometimes, all I can feel is the loss.

Oh, Nice!

TV Comedy

OK, so my planned Summer hiatus really didn’t work. To be fair, would you rather have a nice walk outdoors enjoying the sunshine, or spend your free time working out what is showing on Onslow’s television in every single episode of Keeping Up Appearances?

As ever, this project has become a complete nightmare, and I quickly realised why nobody else has ever bothered doing it before. Let’s take an example. Watch this scene from Series 3 Episode 4, commonly known as “How to Go on Holiday Without Really Trying”, broadcast on the 27th September 1992:

I am amused that Mary Millar gets a bit of an American sitcom-style reaction when she enters in that get-up.

But onto important matters: what music is playing there on Onslow’s telly? The production paperwork should reveal all. They list it as “Street Action”, Track 1 of the Chappell library album American Drama. Well for a start, “Street Action” is on the album American Drama 2, but the catalogue number matches up: Chap 142. Let’s give it a listen.

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The Product.

TV Presentation

Robin Rendle, “Chase the product, not the data”:

“Here’s the painful truth: a lotta folks point at the data because they can’t see the product. They don’t use it, they don’t have feelings about it. They don’t sit there and obsess over the details like what happens when you click X or whether something should live on this page or that. And there’s no real incentive for them to do so! In many organizations it doesn’t matter if the product gets better, so long as the weird garbage kaleidoscope that we call “data” gets better.”

I’ve worked on many different linear TV channels over the years. So this isn’t about any channel in particular.

But you could can nearly always tell when somebody working on a channel doesn’t actually watch the output, or care about it, and merely concerns themselves with the data. The lack of soul is brutally apparent in the resulting piece of television. Sometimes, it’s not even about a lack of soul. Sometimes the result is just wildly inept, and doesn’t make sense.

Linear television needs more people who actually care about linear television working on it.

“It’s Just So Crypto-Fascist!”

Children's TV / TV Comedy

Where were you when Napalm Death appeared on Children’s BBC?

For me, the answer was… not watching Napalm Death on Children’s BBC. Music show What’s That Noise? was not a favourite of mine. Perhaps I detected the vague whiff of education, and I’d already had enough of that by that point in the afternoon. At 4:35pm on the 10th October 1989 I was probably watching Sooty and Count Duckula on the other side. Or on my computer. Or eating tea. Anything, in fact, than watching BBC1.

Oh well, my loss. See how great Craig Charles is here. “This is music for young lovers, step aside Kylie Minogue!”

The question is: what has the above moment got to do with Red Dwarf, beyond the involvement of Craig?

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