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Hello, Newman

TV Comedy

Last time we took a look at In Sickness and in Health, I spent a long time fantasising about a certain evening at Television Centre. Surely it’s about time we tackled the actual programme, in terms of the kind of ideas Speight was trying to get across with the series?

Yeah, yeah, at some point. Today, I want to be mildly irritating about the title sequence instead. Specifically, the title sequence for the show’s very first series.

If we check the paperwork for the pilot, broadcast on 1st September 1985, we discover something rather interesting about it:

Opening Titles:
Total Dur: 0.38″

Montage of shots of the East End
BBC Specially shot (16mm col) 9/16.3.85 (33″)
+ five stills from ‘HORIZON’ – “The Writing On The Wall” Orig. TX: 11.2.74 (5″)

Some of that title sequence was filmed specifically for the series, on the 9th and 16th March 1985. But other shots are stock footage, taken from an edition of Horizon broadcast over a decade earlier. Which sounds ripe for a Dirty Feed investigation, don’t you think?

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Spitting Image on Kellyvision

TV Comedy

Sometimes, someone tells you something on Twitter which strikes fear into any honest, fact-loving, archivist soul. When I posted this piece, tracing Chris Barrie’s appearances on Spitting Image in late-1987, I put bloody loads of research into it. I was confident I was correct, job done.

Until Gareth Joy mentioned the following to me on Twitter:

Kellyvision was a 1988 Tyne Tees series hosted by Chris Kelly, going behind-the-scenes of various TV programmes. Now, I’d most certainly heard of the show; an episode where they go behind-the-scenes on Knightmare is famous among that fan community. But I had no idea about the Spitting Image episode. If I had, I certainly would have investigated it before, I don’t know, publishing a huge article giving an exact timeline of how the show was made, or something.

Better late than never. Let’s take a look. This episode of Kellyvision was broadcast on the 20th July 1988, and is titled “The World of Spitting Image”. It’s worth taking the time to watch it in full; it’s a wonderful piece of television, and we don’t often do making-of programmes quite like this any more, at least on broadcast TV.

So: when was this episode of Kellyvision shot? And which episode of Spitting Image is it actually looking at?

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The Cook Report: Colin Stagg

Other TV

The Cook Report, 26th November 1996, ITV, 8:30pm:

ROGER COOK: Colin Stagg was the the prime suspect in the Rachel Nickell murder case. He was charged after an undercover policewoman enticed him to talk about his fantasies of sex and violence. A judge threw the case out before a jury was even sworn in, and condemned the murder squad’s tactics. Although innocent in the eyes of the law, many people still see him as guilty.

Stagg was found not guilty. Robert Napper pleaded guilty to the manslaughter of Rachel Nickell in 2008.

COLIN STAGG: There’s nothing there to tie me in with any crime whatsoever.
ROGER COOK: There’s no forensic evidence.
COLIN STAGG: No forensic, no.
ROGER COOK: Which there wouldn’t be, one would think, after two months. If there had been, it would have gone, wouldn’t it?

Stagg was found not guilty. Robert Napper pleaded guilty to the manslaughter of Rachel Nickell in 2008.

COLIN STAGG: Nobody can remember what they were watching on TV two months ago, at a certain time, but it was around about that time quiz programmes were coming on.
ROGER COOK: So it fitted what you needed to say, some people might say?

Stagg was found not guilty. Robert Napper pleaded guilty to the manslaughter of Rachel Nickell in 2008.

ROGER COOK: Question 28 on the lie detector test said “Are you a violent man?” – and you said…
COLIN STAGG: I said no.
ROGER COOK: Right. Did you stab your brother?

Stagg was found not guilty. Robert Napper pleaded guilty to the manslaughter of Rachel Nickell in 2008.

ROGER COOK: There are two good examples of violence there.
COLIN STAGG: I was reacting like any normal human being would.
ROGER COOK: Well, that’s for others to judge, I guess. Some people though would say that this is another example of your continuing inconsistencies, and that there have been so many untruths, so many lies told, perhaps you don’t know the difference between the truth and a lie.

Stagg was found not guilty. Robert Napper pleaded guilty to the manslaughter of Rachel Nickell in 2008.

ROGER COOK: In all, Lizzie James was sent dozens of letters, each more revolting and sexually depraved than the last, some disturbingly similar to the attack on Rachel.

Stagg was found not guilty. Robert Napper pleaded guilty to the manslaughter of Rachel Nickell in 2008.1

ROGER COOK: But the lie detector was only one of three tests we asked Colin Stagg to take. We also took him to a hypnotist used by many doctors, who told us he’d resisted all attempts to induce hypnosis. And after a psychiatrist explained that the truth drug – though completely safe – was also difficult to defeat, he finally refused to take it.

Stagg was found not guilty. Robert Napper pleaded guilty to the manslaughter of Rachel Nickell in 2008.

ROGER COOK: Yet all these other questions, Colin Stagg, remain unanswered.
COLIN STAGG: I’ve answered them as best as I could, and I did my best.
ROGER COOK: Then it’s up to the viewers to decide who to believe.
COLIN STAGG: Fair enough.

Stagg was found not guilty. Robert Napper pleaded guilty to the manslaughter of Rachel Nickell in 2008.

*   *   *

One final thing, in case anyone thinks that all this is very easy to point out with the benefit of hindsight. When Colin Stagg was acquitted in 1994, Justice Ognall said the honeytrap set by the Met police was “not merely an excess of zeal, but a blatant attempt to incriminate a suspect by positive and deceptive conduct of the grossest kind”.

That was 1994. This episode of The Cook Report was 1996. And yet it constantly relies on clip after clip after clip of Stagg’s police interview, along with Cook stating the police’s point of view over and over again.

To call this programme reprehensible doesn’t need hindsight. It’s the fact the programme entirely missed the actual story which was plainly in front of them which is hard to believe.


  1. Thank fuck Roger Cook doesn’t have access to my browser history. He’d have me down as Jack the Ripper within minutes. 

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Name Something Documentary Makers Should Avoid

TV Gameshows

MAX BYGRAVES: Name something people take with them to the beach.
BOB JOHNSON: Turkey.
MAX BYGRAVES: The first thing you buy in a supermarket.
BOB JOHNSON: Turkey.
MAX BYGRAVES: A food often stuffed.
BOB JOHNSON: Turkey! [laughs]

Family Fortunes, Series 5 Episode 3. TX: 28th October 19831

You’ve all heard of the Family Fortunes turkey incident, right? The Johnson Family get to the final round, Bob Johnson takes the stand, and proceeds to answer “Turkey” for the first three questions, and runs out of time for the last two. Cue a shot of one member of his family looking particularly murderous.

Hey, describing it removes all the fun. Take a look at the entire round below:

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  1. I specifically wanted to give a TX date for this episode, as it’s rarely mentioned whenever this incident is discussed, but nailing it down has been slightly tricky. The episode number and TX date I’ve stated are taken from IMDB, but it’s worth noting that IMDB can be inaccurate when it comes to things like this. A comprehensive list on Digital Spy claims the Johnson v. Dalby show is actually Episode 3, broadcast on the 28th October 1983. This seems to be some kind of confusion between two different Johnson families – next time I’m near a TV Times archive I’ll clear this up once and for all.

    UPDATE: This piece originally gave the TX date as 18th November 1983, along with the ass-covering above. Many thanks to Steve Williams, who has confirmed that it was actually 28th October 1983.  

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