Hello, you may have been wondering where my BB columns have gone. The unfortunate truth is that an hour a day was simply too much for me, and so I stopped watching. However, my addiction to Grace Dent and the comments of others on another forum I frequent means that I kept in touch. I did watch the live final, but feel some closure is needed. So here’s my final assessment on BB9.

Darnell; I did have high hopes for Darnell to have a kind of Aisling-type conversion during this series, where he’d come to realise that the main thing holding him back in life was his own insecurities, and that he was perfectly capable of making his own luck. Unfortunately for Darnell, this didn’t happen, as in spite of being accepted by most housemates, he let his temper (and hormones) get the better of him far too many times, resulting in bouts of irritating self-pity. Grace Dent called him out on his alarming attitude towards women fairly early on, and although I don’t quite hold with her assessment of him as a possible wife-beater, it’s certainly true that he displayed the same remorse with lack of real learning that characterises those with anger problems. Grace has questioned why Darnell wasn’t chucked out after displaying the same flair for bullying as Alex and Dennis, and she does have a point. Sara certainly treats sexual politics with far more flippancy than Darnell can cope with, but this didn’t excuse the accusations of ‘slut’ thrown at her by him. Darnell, here’s a red hot tip (yes, I know there’s nothing you can do about it now); when encountering a woman whose method of saying hello is grinding her arse against your crotch, try to stay calm and remember (a) that any woman who does this is unlikely to give you the deep and meaningful love you clearly crave and (b) it’s very difficult to conduct a romance when the biggest gooseberry in the history of the world is looking on; presumably you didn’t study the torture that was ‘Chiggy’ in BB8. It’s even more tricky when you pack a temper that even the most boisterous 2 year old would consider to be a bit childish. For Darnell’s sake, I hope he fades into obscurity, as what he needs is not more media attention, but some really good therapy.

Dale; Oh, fuck off, you dick, with your fake ‘romance’ with Princess Jen. Did you notice Ziggy in the final Big Mouth, looking like the proverbial spare prick at a wedding? That’ll be you in a year’s time, when your novelty value will have well and truly worn off.

Stuart; I wonder if he’s actually got round to visiting his daughter yet? Perhaps he’ll get some catalogue modelling in whilst nobbing Jen behind Dale’s back.

Jen; Aww, ickle Princess Jen! I was always impressed by your intellectual weight and angst over being a ‘role model’, rethinking your decision to dress up in skimpy clothes with Steph just because Mario criticized you (presumably he’s never bothered to look at Lisa’s wardrobe). Imagine my surprise, then, when I saw you getting your baps out for the Daily Star! You little feminist, you.

Bex; I suppose I shouldn’t have been as disappointed as I was with Bex; after all, she isn’t the sharpest tool in the box. But it was a shame to see her turn from a giggly, bouncy, bundle of fun to a whining, lazy, one-trick pony. After all, when you’ve got everything out, there’s nothing else new or interesting you can do with your body. Not anything broadcastable, at least. Once she got in Jen’s sphere of influence, the poor girl was doomed, with not even Luke willing to defend her dignity against the disgraceful behaviour of Dale and Stuart, who encouraged her to look like a fool for their amusement. I guess she’ll have a bit of fun with little Luke, and carry on with her life as it was, and best of luck to her.

Luke; I was quite amused by Luke when he entered the house, with his Diary Room commentaries and amusing turn of phrase, but I wasn’t prepared for just how waspish and gossipy he was. It was rather like watching Kenneth Williams, without the wit and intelligence. That boy caused more trouble than he was worth, so I wasn’t sorry to see him go, and, judging from his performance on the BB Final edition of 8 Out of 10 Cats, he isn’t able to laugh at himself. A real handicap when you sound like George Formby, love.

MarioLisa; No, it’s not a typo, as they are clearly a gestalt entity. I stopped watching around the time Mario left, and one of my favourite BB moments has to be Lisa’s unsentimental farewell to Mario: “See ya!”. Although they both looked impressive next to the whining Steph during the first task, Mario’s constant lectures about health and safety and quite shocking patronising of Mikey meant I got as fed up with him as the other housemates. I didn’t see much of Lisa on her own, but she clearly appears to be bonkers, and needs Mario to keep in touch with Planet Earth. I have admired their dedication to their reality TV career, though, as Mario refused to let a little thing like being evicted to stop him proposing marriage, and I predict you’ll see more of these two, whether you like it or not.

Nicole; A waste of skin. NEXT!

Rex; Yet another disappointment. Rex was rewarding viewing when he came out of his shell to wind up Alex, but his love of bullying rather went to his head, resulting in some inexcusable behaviour towards housemates he either viewed as a threat or didn’t fancy much. His amazing tip-toeing round Nicole really brought out the worst in him, leading him to defend her abominable attitude, and I can only imagine that the occasional amusing comment saved him from eviction, as he didn’t deserve to get to the final. His attitude towards his dad is interesting, and I reckon Daddy actually doesn’t think much of Rex, hence all the showing off his son did about the restaurants his dad owns and the fabulous career he gave Rex. I wouldn’t be surprised if Rex turns up in some reality cooking show or manages to advertise Sainsbury’s in an astonishing turn of luck, but I’d be disappointed to see such bad behaviour rewarded.

Kat; Oh dear. I was wondering when Kat was going to figure out that her crying at every raised voice in the house was going to do her in. There’s only so much squealing of “Happy Happy House!” and “They make me cry, Big Brudder!” that the British nation can tolerate, and although the Thais may be pretty good at hiding their true emotions for the sake of saving face, that inhibition has long gone from the British. Did Kat not watch any past BBs? Chucking her out in her dressing gown was a bit cruel, though. Not that it stopped me laughing.

Mo; Poor old Mo never really got any love from other housemates, but survived surprisingly long, presumably because he lurked in the background eating, rather than making a pain of himself. I get the idea he might have made more of his time in there if he hadn’t got so bored, but I think he’s going to be one of those housemates who doesn’t really do anything with their BB experience. Ah well. I wish him luck in his future career in insurance, or something.

Sara; A natural presenter, in that I don’t believe a word she says and that she can be enthusastic about practically anything. The best of luck to her, as the camera loves her and she’s going to have no moral qualms about sleeping with producers. An E4 career beckons.

Maysoon; Who?

Mikey; Well, he was always going to make it to the end, and I wouldn’t have blamed anyone who bet on him winning, because, frankly, the disabled have past form in BB (where are you now, Pete?). Mikey actually did a lot for blind people; his inability to see the faces of thunder on housemates that he berated meant he had the freedom to say exactly what he bloody well liked; and he was nearly always on the button. He showed a great deal more intelligence than the likes of Mario, who seemed to forget that Mikey wasn’t deaf as well as blind (although Mikey’s preference for yelling when a normal tone of voice would have done may have been misleading), and was, well, a normal, complex, human being, just like the rest of us. He was also very, very, funny when he wanted to be, although this may not have always been intentional. I can’t really see him doing anything different with his career, but perhaps he’ll get more work on the back of BB, and frankly, he deserves all the luck he gets. Good on ‘im.

Rachel; I never took a huge amount of notice of Rachel, apart from thinking “Aw, she’s nice. What a change to have someone nice.”, which I guess should have marked her out as a winner from the start. To beat the blind guy is one hell of a feat (although the margin was slim), and her ability to keep calm when all around her were bonkers should stand her in good stead as a teacher. It’s interesting that although she was clearly upset by the horrible behaviour of some housemates towards her (nasty people feel threatened by nice people), she kept a sense of perspective and was always willing to see the other chaps’ POV. A worthy winner.

Expect the same lackadasical attitude from me next year, as I wasn’t planning to write about this year’s BB in the first place. I just don’t like leaving things unfinished…