Noise To Signal readers, this is Little Tosser. You are reading the first edition of weekly-ish column that will run throughout the 92 days of this year's UK Big Brother. Please do not swear. Let's kick off with my first impressions of the housemates, with a few predictions, a bit of conjecture and some other waffling.

But first, a slightly unfair request. I know that a lot of our readership (and indeed the writers) hate Big Brother, probably a majority. That's a given if you aim at people who don't read Heat. But I'd appreciate it if you left the comment boxes for people who actually want to discuss to show, not just slag it off. I know NTS caters for a wide range of tastes, but there are a number of us who delight in discussing the latest goings on in the show, and that would be ruined by constant, yet completely valid, arguments about the value and merit of the show. What would be good is if someone else posted the occasional article about how bad the show is, so everyone gets their space to talk.

Nikki's arse, there.

Anyway, back to the show. The house this year is of an 'inside-out' theme. This basically consists of having some sofas and part of the kitchen area outside, and the floors in the bedroom having a grass pattern on them. But despite all the hype about it being the most uncomfortable house yet, and tempers will flare and all that... it actually looks really nice. I'd live there. And it looks bigger than the last one, if anything - there's plenty of different places for them to go, due to everything being duplicated inside and outside. The Diary Room looks a bit weird, though.

The title sequence is awesome, isn't it? It's like spooling through a DV tape, which is probably the intention behind it. At some point, I'll freeze-frame it all and get all the words and messages and that. Anyway, here we go with some early impressions of the housemates. This was supposed to go up on Friday, but... I forgot. As such, it's not quite first impressions, but still, we're at the stage where we don't know anyone that well, so all this could change in the coming weeks.

Bonnie - or Bonneh. She calls herself 'The Pink Power Ranger'. Actually, the pink Power Ranger was very sexy indeed - almost as sexy as Bonnie says she is. Her motto is "I will check it, don't wreck it". Indeedy. I liked it when Davina couldn't help but laugh when she got booed, which was probably down to her Vicky Pollard-esque voice and attitude. And the continuing 'Bonna/Bonno' confusion was hilarious. She's been annoying so far, mainly down to her voice. The woman can't talk. Oh, and apparantly she has a brother called 'Clyde'. Ha!

Pete - Oh my. At first I thought he was faking his Tourette's, but it's clearly genuine. He reminds me of Peter from The Smell of Reeves and Mortimer. In fact, I'm sure he said 'donkey' just after he entered the house. Falling down the stairs seemed a bit desperate, I thought we was a complete tosser at that point. He's quite OTT, shall we say, but he's definitely my favourite so far. He gives great Diary Room, and the bit on Friday's show where he spat out his water and went "LEMONADE!?" was hilarious. His band's MySpace page is here.

George - posh twat. Related to the Parker-Bowleseses and friends with Princess Beatrice. At a mere nineteen, he's the youngest person ever to enter the Big Brother house, outside of the celebrity and teen editions. He likes hunting and shooting, the big posh twat. He doesn't like the gays, as you could tell from his reaction to Shahbaz. He doesn't seem to have done much so far.

Shahbaz - self-proclaimed 'paki poof'. From his VT, he seemed to be one of the more normal ones, but he turned into a screamer as soon as he stepped out the limo. He'll hopefully mellow out a bit, because he's been a bit of a cock so far. He's essentially a very nice man, though, he just needs to stop screaming and get a bit of self-control. He's pissed everyone off already, despite his heart being in the right place.

Lea - Christ Alfuckingmighty. She's a 'model', eh? What sort of model do you think that is? Don't click on these if you're at work or of a nervous disposition: SHE SUCKS COCK AND GETS FUCKED FOR MONEY. Entered to almost unanimous booing, and quite justifiabley so, the freaky old mare. She looks like a pre-op tranny - were it not for the fact that we've now all seen her fanny, I'd still be of that opinion. I really, really, really feel sorry for her son. He'll be getting bullied constantly while she's in the house. I reckon she'll be gone fairly quickly.

Imogen - Welsh sexpot. Not quite Miss World standards, which is supposedly the case, but I would. Personality wise, she seems to be quite clever without being too cocky, which is a good thing. Unfortunately, she's a prime target for the twatty teenage girls who watch the show, who have a surprisingly misogynistic attitude to young, attractive women. She'll be popular with the blokes, I would have thought.

Mikey - I'd first look, I said he'd end up winning it. Attractive bloke, friendly voice, E4 haircut. Then he starting banging on about how much he hates women. They aren't equal to men, and he can manipulate them to do his bidding. Probably not the best strategy to use on a show where the majority of the voters are women. Really camp men make him 'angry'. Hmm, surely he should have known that there'd be at least two of those in the house. I wouldn't like to call his chances - the VT comments will be easily forgotten, so it's up to him to not be a mentallist in the house.

Dawn - the Brummie version of Marvin the Paranoid Android. She hates everything and everyone, doesn't believe in a thing called love, and doesn't have any friends. She thinks that Ghandi, Mother Theresa and Bob Geldof are the only nice peole in the world. But... I think it's all an act. She loved being the centre of attention when she went in, and soon went out of her way to be nice to everyone in the house. This was after she initially tried to push the door open on the hinge side. Her reaction to one of Pete's tics after she introduced herself was priceless. She's the oldest person in the house, but I don't think she'll fall in line to fill the mother role. Could be quite argumentative, but in a good way. I hope she does well.

Glynn - George's record is smashed by an eighteen-year-old Welsh lifeguard! He entered the house in just a pair of trunks, despite being the scrawniest fucker in existance. Hardly a heartthrob, I'd have thought, but the crowd were chanting "off! off!" at him. His mic fell to the floor, as he went down the stairs, but fortunately he noticed. The sound was a bit off when he went in, although he didn't have many places to clip it, I suppose. He could go a long way, but I worry about having someone so young in there, especially with Lea around.

Richard - a Canadian sexual terrorist. Big, beefy, bald and bent. He looks like a male stripper, and probably is. Reminds me of Dan from BB5, especially the comments about pulling straight men. Let's hope he's as funny and likeable as Dan. He seems pretty non-mental, apart from a phobia of pregnant women. The posing to camera before he opened the internal door was a big twatty. Shahbaz seems to fancy the arse off of him, which could prove interesting.

Grace - posh bird with far too much make-up on. She's essentially Jodie Marsh, but with a posh voice and old money. She lives in a £300grand flat in Notting Hill, paid for by mummy's money. I immediately dislike her because of this, and her other posh twattery. She's not particularly sexy, and she dresses like a tart. She'll either go all the way to the end or be voted off within a couple of weeks.

Lisa - A Chinese girl with a very, very strong Manc accent. She also seems to be a trifle deaf from the VT, which should be quite funny. She seems quite naturally funny as well, and I could get to really like her. Very smiley and bubbley, and even when she's being a bit nasty, she does it in an endearing way. Such as stating that she dislikes Bonna and Sezer in the Diary Room, despite knowing that they'd be watching, and then making the effort to explain to them exactly why she said what she did. Isn't that much better than bitching behind someone's back?

A wanker, there.

Sezer - his history is pretty impressive - rough childhood, in the Stock Exchange at 18, bought a company at 20. Unfortunately, he's a complete and utter cock. He's all over the girls like a sexual leech, being quite disgusting with his attempts to get into Imogen's pants. Still, he managed to get into her bra. Someone on a forum described him as "Victor without the humour" which seems about right. He's just a wanker. And he can't even spell 'Caeser'.

And finally Nikki, the fucking twat. She loves the sex, this one. She wants to be a footballer's wife and spend all his money. Well, now you've said that, I'm sure the Premiership elite will be queueing up. She loves getting naked, which isn't at all tiresome in Big Brother by now, no. She turned up in a pink bunny girl outfit, the twat. She's stupid as well - she calls buses 'peasant wagons' and she also has no self-awareness at all, criticising Callum Best and Dean Gaffney for being 'deadbeats'. And she's over-emotional - teary as she went in and crying later because she didn't have her suitcase yet. Maybe you should have worn something other than a bunny girl outfit, you desperate wannabe twat. On the plus side, her "I'M CRYING BECAUSE OF YOU" was very funny. But she's still a twat. Twat.

No Big Brother opening week would be complete without a big twist, and this year it's the Big Brotherhood. It's a big ol' clique, where members have special privelidges, the biggest of which is being immune from the first round of nominations, as well as being the only people to have their suitcases. Lisa and Shahbaz were founder members, and so far they've picked Pete, Grace, Richard and Lea to join them. I think it's brilliant that they've not picked Nikki yet, despite her constantly crying about not having her clothes and her sixteen quid make-up remover. The twat.

The next twist will be a newbie going in, by virtue of him/her funding the evil baby-murdering Nestlé corporation. Excellently, con artists are managing to sell Kit Kats for a hundred quid each on eBay, on the basis that they "might" contain a golden ticket. But apparantly, eBay are allowing the actual golden tickets to be sold providing they're genuine, although Endemol have said something disapproving about this. Remember, folks - even if you find a ticket, you've still only got a 1 in 100 chance of going in.

Next up on Little Tosser - reactions to the first round of nominations, whenever that is, and indeed whenever I get round to it.

Thank you, readers. You are now free to leave Noise to Signal.