Welcome to Noise To Signal's live commentary on the British Comedy Awards 2006, featuring Seb Patrick and Jonathan Capps. And yes, we know that the Comedy Awards are completely rubbish and pretty much lost all meaning as soon as they started, but it's Wednesday night, it's 9pm, we've got a few beers in, and to be perfectly frank - what else are we going to do?

We'll be rambling on throughout the night, offering our (probably unwanted, probably increasingly drunken) opinions on what's happening, in addition to taking a look at how the correspond to my (Seb's) predictions and wishlist.

9:00pm
Seb : Well, the awards are about to start, but I thought I'd just mention first something that struck me earlier - Mitchell and Webb (of whom a live review will follow shortly) cancelled the last two dates of their tour, scheduled to be tonight and tomorrow, ostensibly for "filming commitments" (although amid rumours of poor ticket sales). They're up for five awards tonight - so do they know something we don't? It'll be very interesting to see if they're actually there or not...

9:01pm
Seb : And sure enough, there's David Mitchell on the red carpet on the way in.
Cappsy : Wait, that's... are these clips from tonight?
Seb : Yeah, that'll be them arriving.
Cappsy : Well, that's their "filming commitment", then. And tomorrow'll be their "hangover commitment".

Cappsy : Don't you dare win anything, Jimmy Carr.

9:04pm
Cappsy : A Chris Langham joke. Just what we need, there. Thanks, Jonathan Ross.
Seb : It's not even really worth commenting on Ross' opening speech, is it? It's not like it's going to be unexpectedly lame. Oh, look, and there's a Heather Mills joke. Like we haven't seen enough of those yet.
Cappsy : Richard Herring's got a better one...

9:08pm
Cappsy : Of course, Deal or No Deal is a comedy show, isn't it? Also, ITV's done nothing but Ant and Dec? What about TV Burp?
Seb : Suppose it's not winning anything tonight, then.

9:10pm
Seb : Oh, a Craig Charles joke. That's actually quite unexpected (sarcasm off!)
Cappsy : I feel like I want to say something there, but I'm not sure what.

9:11pm - Best Comedy Actor
Seb : First award, finally. We want M&W, obviously, but it'll be one of the Extras pair, probably Merchant...
Cappsy : ... because it'll be the "surprise" choice...
Seb : Liza Tarbuck trying to remind us all that she's still in work, there. Ooh, Gervais isn't actually there tonight.

9:13pm - Stephen Merchant wins
Cappsy : Fuck off! As an Extras fan, do you agree with that?
Seb : Over Gervais? For the second series, yeah. Over M&W? No. Did they give him that one just because Gervais isn't there?
Cappsy : Oh, fucking hell, they've got Gervais on even though he didn't win? Merchant looks really, really hacked off!

9:15pm
Seb : Merchant hasn't actually said a word yet! Alright, now he has... "Even when he's not in the fucking country, he makes my speech for me!"

9:17pm
Cappsy : Oh, good, ITV forcing money out of us for a phone vote.
Seb : And, of course, it's voted for by "the public". That's sure to be good.
Cappsy : Is Jonathan Ross going to finally win the People's Choice this year?
Seb : Ahh, Mitchell and Webb. Are they showing the first "rotate the board"? They are.
(laughter)
Cappsy : I'm laughing at the memory!

9:19pm - Best Comedy Entertainment Programme
Seb : Well, we all know this is the "Ant and Dec" award, but it'd be fantastic if Harry Hill won it.
Cappsy : Tenacious D! Eyyy!
Seb : Kyle Gass already the funniest thing of the night, there.
Cappsy : I wouldn't mind HIGNFY winning, either.

9:21pm - Harry Hill's TV Burp wins
BOTH : YYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Cappsy : He's spat his water out!
Seb : That's set the tone for the night, I reckon...
Cappsy : Nah - that's our one concession, the rest is gonna be all shit...
Seb : Alright, now Harry is the funniest thing of the night... And Quantick's up there! Brilliant!
Cappsy : Fucking yes.

9:27pm - Best Comedy Entertainment Personality
Cappsy: This is probably the award that will piss me off the most
Seb: There appears to be a python on stage!
Cappsy: It's the wrong sort of python for the comedy awards
Seb: Fucking hell, that can't be good for the python! What the fuck's going on here? They've only done that 'cos it's live and they want to create a "moment". Are the RSPCA watching this?!
Cappsy: I'm speechless.
Seb: Who the fuck thought this was a good idea?
Cappsy: Oh, good, Harry Hill's on the list!
Seb: Harry Hill isn't going to win two awards, though he should. Could be Merton.
Cappsy: So long as Ant and Cocking Dec don't win.

9:29pm - Harry Hill wins
BOTH: FUCKING HELL!
Cappsy: Why has he suddenly become popular with the awards people?
Seb: I don't care, it's his year!

9:32pm
Cappsy: This is going very well...
Seb: Oh good, the People's Choice awards update.
Seb: Fucking hell, people seem to like Green Wing for some unknown reason.
Cappsy: Mitchell and Webb are not going to win a fucking thing
Seb: No, of course not.

9:34pm - Best Female Comedy Newcomer
Seb: Urg, let's wheel out Courtney Love
Cappsy: Let's kill Courtney Love
Seb: Charlottle Fucking Church?
Cappsy: What a shit list
Seb: Miranda Hart was at least vaguely amusing in Hyperdrive, which is more than can be said for most of it.

9:35pm - Charlotte Church wins
Seb: OH WHAT THE? Charlotte fucking Church? After the Harry Hill thing, now the show has totally lost it. This is absolutely shocking. She's not even a comedian! Look, you've won a comedy award, say something funny. I dare you.
Cappsy: Bitch.
Seb: Everyone else has actually been funny with their acceptance. She's just treated it like she's won a Brit!

9:36pm - Best Male Comedy Newcomer
Seb : I don't think there's anyone I really want to win this one.

9:37pm - Russell Brand wins
Seb: Oh, that's less surprising. I don't mind Russell Brand, actually.
Cappsy: I think he's a cunt. He thinks he's funny cos he's wordy, but really he's just a twat.
Seb: At least he made a joke when he won the award.
Cappsy: I was underwhelmed with those last two awards.
Seb: I think they've somewhat cancelled out the euphoria of Harry Hill winning two...
Cappsy: I wouldn't go that far, the last two awards were pretty small.
Seb: I dunno, it hacks me off more when someone wins an award undeservedly, than it pleases me if someone wins one deservedly.
Cappsy: Good point.

9:43pm - Best TV comedy actress
Seb : Well, CFT is going to win this, clearly. Ooh, Paul Bettany. I like Paul Bettany. In a completely non-gay way.
Cappsy : It should clearly be Tamsin Greig, but not for Green Wing. Although Love Soup was last year, wasn't it?

9:44pm - Catherine Tate wins
Cappsy : Die in a hole!
Seb : What a surprise.
Cappsy : Catherine Tate can't be here... BECAUSE SHE'S DEAD.
Seb : If only.
Cappsy : Thank heavens for small mercies, her stupid face has not hit my telly tonight.

9:45pm - Chris Tarrant gets Lifetime Achievement award
Cappsy : What's Lenny Henry got to do with comedy?
Seb : He just made a crack about Tarrant not being a comedian - didn't stop Charlotte Fucking Church, did it?

9:46pm
Seb : They're really rushing through this, aren't they? Think it's overrunning 'cos of the python.
Cappsy : Or Harry Hill! Still, whoever's in charge of the music is quite good. I'm yet to see a single comedy clip in any of this Tarrant montage.

9:50pm
Seb : For someone who's not a comedian, this is going on a long time.
Cappsy : *sighs*

9:51pm
Cappsy : Well, the night's starting to take a bad turn.
Seb : M&W have got to be a shoo-in for new comedy, though.
Cappsy : Who else is nominated for that?
Seb : Suburban Shootout and Star Stories!
Cappsy : Ah, fair point.

9:56pm - Best new TV comedy
Cappsy : What the fuck is Star Stories? I've never even heard of it!
Seb : TV's Emma Kennedy!

9:58pm - Star Stories wins
Cappsy : Fuck off!
Seb : It's just fucking Stella Street!
Cappsy : Because we need another one of those. Oh, a "Beckham episode"? For fuck's sake.
Seb : Robert Webb looks pissed off. Don't blame him. That's an absolute fucking travesty.
Cappsy : Was that worth cancelling your live show for?
Seb : That's unbelievable.
Cappsy : Beyond belief.
Seb : That has actually destroyed the night.

9:59pm - The Writers' Guild Ronnie Barker award
Cappsy : I reckon Rob Grant and Doug Naylor are going to win this!
Seb : After what just happened, nothing would surprise me.

10:00pm
Seb : Pook has just mentioned in comments that this isn't completely live - BBC News have already mentioned who won Best TV Comedy. That's ruined the suspense on that one!
Cappsy : Don't tell me!

10:01pm - Sacha Baron Cohen wins
Cappsy : ...even though he has a team of writers.
Seb : And clearly has a lifetime's worth of achievement in the genre.

10:05pm
Cappsy : Peter Baynham?!?
Seb : Peter Baynham?!?!
Cappsy : Peter Baynham?!?!?
Seb : What's he got to do with Borat? Brilliant, though! Hey, that's not Armando there as well, is it?
Cappsy : Well, it's a balding, Mediterranean guy... actually, no, it's not him.
Seb : Peter Baynham?
Cappsy : Peter fucking Baynham?
Seb : Look at his hair!
Cappsy : Go on, Peter Baynham, say something! Ooh, look, Peter Serafinowicz!
Seb : And Sarah Alexander?
Cappsy : Yeah, the bastard.
Seb : Peter Baynham?

10:12pm - Best TV comedy
Cappsy : I want to have sex with Nigella Lawson. I do not want to have sex with Graham Norton.
Seb : What about Graham Lawson?
Cappsy : Take him or leave him.
Seb : Anyway, this should be Peep Show, but Extras was the clear favourite in predictions.
Cappsy : No-one clapped for The Thick of It! You bastards! And how convenient that they didn't show a clip with Langham in!

10:14pm - Peep Show wins
Cappsy : FUCKING YES!
Seb : THAT'S why they're there tonight. Fucking yes. And you have to say, it is better than Look.
Cappsy : Oh, yeah. About fucking time someone recognised it, though. You know, I think all the important awards have gone right, tonight.
Seb : Excellent stuff.
Cappsy : Go on, mention the show you cancelled!

10:15pm - People's Choice Award
Seb : Hang on, doesn't this usually end the night? Where are the International and Live awards?
Cappsy : Well, we've supposedly got three-quarters of an hour left...

10:17pm - Ant and Dec's Christmas Takeaway wins
Seb : Oh, what a surprise. At least it wasn't Green Wing.
Cappsy : Oh, I don't know. Ant and Dec...
Seb : Oh, come on, they're not that bad. And Harry Hill won their own award, after all!
Cappsy : Well, yeah, I did not expect him to win that, at all.
Seb : There's not really much suspense in this award, is it? I mean, they give you updates all night, and this was miles ahead.
Cappsy : It's just to get more people to part with their cash.
Seb : Ahh, some nice Harry Hill-baiting, there. That's quite amusing, actually.

10:20pm - Best stage comedy
Seb : Hang on? Last award of the night? Erm - International comedy? Live stand-up tour? Comedy film? What the fuck? Nice one on the pretensions of being "live" there, you fucking charlatans.
Cappsy : Oh, for fuck's sake, they've invented a new award for stage show, just as Little Britain has a stage show.
Seb : You never know, Boosh might win it. Hey, hang on! There were more than three nominations! What the fuck?
Cappsy : This is "best stage comedies that happen to have a DVD out that we can show clips of", clearly.

10:23pm - Little Britain wins
Cappsy : Oh, yeah!
Seb : This is an absolute fucking disgrace. They've missed out half the awards, they've cut short the nominations on this one, and they're claiming its live.
Cappsy : I can't convey how annoyed I am about the existence of this award. Next year there'll probably be a "Best comedy that finished in 2006" award for them.
Seb : Oh, good, they're showing the missing awards on ITV2. Now we have to plug in our signal-less Digibox. Eighteen more awards? Where the fuck have those come from?

10:25pm
Seb : Wait, they've already had a Writers' Guild award!
Cappsy : This is clearly for Jonathan Ross.
Seb : What the fuck for? He's not even a writer, he's a presenter!
Cappsy : This awards show started out so well, and it's gone so shit.
Seb : Oh, at least he admits that he doesn't write much of his own material...

10:28pm - ITV2 switchover
Seb : Oh, it's still an ad break. Are we sticking with this, then?
Cappsy : Well, we've started...
Seb : 18 more awards, though?
Cappsy : She's lying, clearly.
Seb : Well, I do want to see if The Office wins Best International, because it fucking should.
Cappsy : Arrested Development?
Seb : Not nominated.
Cappsy : Bah.

10:30pm - Best Live Standup Tour
Cappsy : Bet Stewart fucking Lee doesn't get nominated.
Seb : Again, only three nominations! There were more before! Oh, Carr's going to fucking win, isn't he?
Cappsy : That's not Fizzy Logic! That's Randomist!
Seb : Lee Evans is the most popular of these by miles - he's surprisingly massive. He won't win, though.

10:32pm - Jimmy Twatface wins
Seb : There's nothing to say, really, is there?
Cappsy : No.

10:33pm - Best International Comedy
Cappsy : Anthony Head! Eyyy!
Seb : Curb's going to snatch this away from The Office, isn't it?
Cappsy : Anthony Head's voice never fails to astound me.
Seb : Are they trying to show with these clips that Americans can only do slapstick or rude jokes?

10:35pm - Curb Your Enthusiasm wins
Cappsy : Unfortunately, no-one can be arsed to come over the UK to collect a shitty award.
Seb : What an overrated show.

10:36pm - Best comedy film
Seb : I'm rapidly losing interest, now.
Cappsy : Come on, one more award. This'll be Borat, then.
Seb : No, it's not nominated!
Cappsy : Oh, fucking hell, that's why Baron Cohen won an award, cos he wasn't eligible.
Seb : Did someone just have a go at Oliver Stone?
Cappsy : I don't know...
Seb : And what did he say? Why are they looking pissed off?
Cappsy : This has turned into a car crash, all of a sudden.
Seb : Anyway, the award should be Wallace and Gromit, especially 'cos Nick Park's in the audience.
(laughter at W&G clip)
Seb : The rabbits are so fucking cute in that film.

10:40pm - Wallace and Gromit wins
Cappsy : Eyyy
Seb : All is as it should be again. Well, not "all". But some is as it should be.

10:41pm
Seb : Aww, Oliver Stone didn't get their joke.
Cappsy : Oh, dear.
Seb : Poor Nick Park.
Cappsy : This show has already crashed through one wall, and is now careering into others.
Seb : I don't think I'm the only one losing interest. Whether or not you like the guy, it doesn't half lose a lot of spark when Jonathan Ross pisses off.

10:42pm
Can we be arsed with the "aftershow party"? Can we shite. In summary, then - more good people won than we were expecting to, but plenty of shit people still won. Does this make it a good year, or a bad year? We're not sure. But the double win for Harry Hill was fantastic, and the undoubted highlight of the evening - perhaps the only one, aside from Peep Show also getting a deserved win.